Thursday, February 11, 2010

I'm ignoring you.

I'm ignoring you. It's nothing personal. You are awesome! But I can't think about you, or anyone else, when I write. If I start thinking about you and whether you'll like a particular character or turn the story has taken, I freeze up. And when my mean, sadistic witch of a critical inner voice imagines how badly written you'll think a phrase, sentence, paragraph, or (most horrifyingly of all) an entire story is, then I become a quivering mass of unable-to-write protoplasm.

So when I'm in story-making mode, I have to push you out of my mind. Please don't take offense. I'll give you lots of attention at other times, I promise!

Although, I just recently realized there's another time when I have to pretend you don't exist--when I'm recording. See the other day I went to itunes and looked up Dreaming of Deliverance. And to my enormous surprise (and immense excitement!) there were two wonderful reviews! It felt great because even though I know intellectually that people are listening--since recording and editing each episode is basically a solitary endeavor--I do forget that there are people downloading and then actually hearing the podcasts.

But like I mentioned in my last Unpublishednotdead podcast, even when good things happen (like great reviews!), there's a downside. And yesterday when I crawled into my tent/recording studio to read, I was super, super nervous! I kept stumbling over words and redoing phrases and thinking about how it all was sounding and not losing myself in the story. I wanted to make it good for you, the people listening. I didn't want to let you down. And by worrying about letting you down, I became so flustered and nervous that the reading sucked and because it sucked, I was in fact letting you down. Ironic, isn't it?

After a little while, I was able to forget about you and immerse myself in the characters, and the reading went as fluidly as it usually does. (Which isn't perfectly fluidly, as Kenn Crawford could tell you. He's the author and producer of the upcoming zombie podcast novel Dead Hunt, which I'm narrating. So he gets to hear my unedited reading, which is no where near perfect, but also not the shaky, stumbling mess that I initially produced the other day!)

I have to ignore you sometimes if I want to make the story as good as I can. It's not you, it's me! I love, love, love that you're listening! I just can't think about it all the time. But that certainly doesn't mean you shouldn't comment and review and ask questions.

So thank you, Min and thank you, Alusha for the fabulous reviews on itunes! I'm thrilled that you are enjoying Dreaming of Deliverance. I definitely want to hear from you. It's terrific! Just please understand that when I'm in writing or recording mode, you won't be at the forefront of my mind.

I hope you understand!

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