I'm still here!

So why is it that I've seemingly abandoned my blog?

Is it that I've stopped work on my novel?

Nope. I've edited over 200 pages and am still working steadily.

I think it's because of The Artists's Way. Every morning I write three pages about whatever's rattling around in my head, including my thoughts on the writing process. The morning pages have helped me deal with my writing-related fears and so I haven't had much to blog about. Guess I need to come up with a new theme for Pointed Squiggle. I am finding a balance and feel much more at peace about pretty much everything. Amazing, huh?

Right now I'm editing the 5th 50-page chunk of my manuscript. This is the trickiest chunk by far since the story here has a couple of holes I've been trying to figure out how to fill. I think I've got it worked out, though and once I have this section nailed, I'm expecting the remaining chunks to go faster. As nutty as it is to admit, I should be ready to send the whole thing out before too long.

Wow!

Merry Christmas!

I survived reading deprivation week and I survived Christmas. Also, I handed out the 2nd 50 and am working away on the 3rd.

So, things are fine! But a dedicated, interesting blogger I have not been of late. Sorry! Thanks to anyone still bearing with me. I'll try to come up with something new here soon!

Happy 2007!

Reading Deprivation

As I mentioned a couple of entries ago, I'm doing a creativity program called The Artist's Way. Each week we're supposed to do exercises to help us become more creative. This week I'm not supposed to read. Anything.

I'm panicking!

I read so much. It's a huge part of my life. But I also know that one of the reasons I read is to block out my own thoughts. By depriving myself of other people's words and thoughts for a week, I should become more in tune with my own.

I don't want to do this. I can't imagine doing it. But I'm going to do it.

It means no reading on line either. So I'm going to un-plug.

See you next Saturday.

Ack!

I'm it and I didn't even know it!

Cindy tagged me, but it took me a couple of days to figure out what that meant. Whoops! Sorry about that. But better late than never, I suppose. So, without further ado, here are some of my thoughts on the Christmas season.

1. Eggnog or Hot Chocolate? Hot chocolate. Although my sister's eggnog lattés are pretty good too!

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree? Santa wraps everything--including the stocking gifts!

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? We have colored twinkly lights on our tree, but white outside.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? Not usually.

5. When do you put your decorations up? We put some up the weekend after T-giving. We're doing the tree this weekend.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? Stuffing. Yum!

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child: Well, nothing as good as Cindy's pony! (Wow!) But I remember one Christmas my sister and I woke up around 4 in the morning and tiptoed out to see the tree. It was so exciting to see all of those presents. We were too jazzed to go back to sleep, so we lay in bed and listened to my Grandpa tell us stories to distract us until it was time to get up. He was an actor, and a great story teller and it was so much fun being up in the dark, with presents only a couple of hours away, listening.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I asked my mom point blank when I was five, and she told me the truth. Both of my kids (ages 7 and 5) still believe, and I wish they would ask so I can finally tell them and stop feeling so torn between the fun and magic of perpetuating the myth, and the guilt I feel about lying to them.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? When I was a kid--never. Everything was on Christmas. But now we celebrate Christmas Eve at my husband's grandma's house and open presents there.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? There's no theme, and it's certainly not designer. Our tree is covered with a hodgepodge of ornaments from my childhood and ones we've accumulated since we were married. I think our tree always turns out beautifully, but it wouldn't win any awards!

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Love it because we don't have to live with it! It doesn't snow often here, and when it does, it doesn't last for more than a few hours. We live close enough to the mountains that we can easily go visit the snow whenever we feel like playing in it!

12. Can you ice skate? It's been years, but I think I could still make it around a rink. I've never ice-skated on a frozen pond, but I'd love to do that someday.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Hmm--I don't think I could pick just one. My ten-speed bike when I was seven was very exciting, as was my Walkman when I was 13. Recently, it was probably the pendant that my husband had re-set with a diamond of my grandmother's that had been on a very old fashioned pin, I never wore. It's beautiful and I loved that he thought to do that for me.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Sharing with family. I love the tradition of it all.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Apple pie, alamode--although, I also love pumpkin pie. Usually, I have a sliver of each.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Christmas Gift! It's hard to explain, but it's something my dad's side of the family does. The goal is to be the first person to say "Christmas Gift" on Christmas day to another member of the family. Basically, you want to remember to do it before they remember. Some years there's lots of plotting to distract the other person so they forget all about Christmas Gift and you can "get them" first.

17. What tops your tree? An angel ornament.

18. Which do you prefer: giving or receiving? Giving. (Really. Honest!)

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? I have two. "Sleigh Ride" and "O Holy Night"

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? I used to like them a lot, but now they taste too sugary for me. Now fudge on the other hand, is not a problem!

I'm going to tag my dear friend wyo even though she certainly doesn't need me to give her a topic to blog about, and Karenna in the hopes that it might prompt her to post an update. :o)

Remember me?

Yikes! It's December 1. I didn't blog much in November, did I?

But I'm still progressing on my novel in my typical snail-like way. This morning I finished the outline! And I've patched all the holes in the plot...I think, anyway. Now I'm going to get back to editing.

A couple of new developments:

First of all I gave the first 50 pages to a few people. (It was weeks ago, but the problem with sporadic blogging is that things don't always get mentioned in a timely manner.) That was both scary and exciting. And now I've got several people clamoring for more! I'm going to continue to pass out the manuscript in 50 page chunks as I finish editing them.

Secondly, I started doing The Artist's Way. It's a 12 week program to help one become more creative. I think it's mostly geared toward blocked artists, who can't bring themselves to start creating, which isn't my problem. But I was hoping that it would help me deal with those darn fear-filled creative slumps I slog through so regularly. So far, I think it's helping. I'm definitely feeling more relaxed while I'm working.

So, that's where I am. :o)

(And I can now cross "update blog" off my list! Yay!)

Happy anniversary...

...to me!

One year ago today I started this blog.

I was having trouble staying motivated to finish my novel and hoped documenting my progress on line would help.

It sure did! :o)

Pointed Squiggle

What does it mean--Pointed Squiggle? I finally know. It's the surface on which I'm trying to balance--wiggly and jagged; unstable and sharp.

Not surprisingly, I've been floundering. The post-Surrey low has hit full-force.

Part of it is I had an extremely busy week following the conference--filled with meetings, school projects, and birthday planning. (Kyle turned five last week! How is that possible?) Throughout it all, I woke up early to write, but most of the week was jam packed with an overwhelming heap of other responsibilities.

And part of my problem is I decided to switch gears and [shudder] outline my novel.

I'm not an outliner. Many writers use them, but I never have. As I explained in earlier blog entries, I enjoy the process of discovery that occurs during the writing process. I love to experience the story as I'm writing it and I don't think I could plan it all out before I start, because I need the act of writing in order to create.

But now I'm trying to make sure the story is tightly written and includes nothing boring or unnecessary. I expected the extraneous parts to jump out at me as I read the manuscript, but I kept getting distracted by the language and found it hard to focus on the big picture. I'm hoping an outline will help me see where the story (as opposed to the writing) needs work. Also one of the agents I met at the conference asked me to send him a detailed outline, so it's something I need to do anyway. If it can help me through this stage of the process, all the better.

Still it's a task that I wasn't expecting and I can't help but feel like my progress has ground to a halt. I'm not editing, I'm outlining. My rational mind knows it's necessary, but my illogical side believes I'm slacking off somehow.

Then there are all those typical pulls and emotions, which seem to be par for the course for moms who are also writers. My family needs me--and it doesn't matter whether I had a good morning with my novel, or a bad one--they need me regardless. No matter how frustrated and discouraged I get over my creative life, I still need to be available, both physically and emotionally, to my husband and children. Often it's hard to change hats from writer to mom and I feel like I'm letting everyone down--my family for being distracted by my writing, and myself for not pouring myself into the writing as completely as I think I should.

It's all so spiky and slippery.

Sometimes I wonder why I put myself through this and wish I could be satisfied solely with my role as a wife and mother. But I need to write--it gives more than it takes.

So I'm stuck with trying to balance on a pointed squiggle.

It's not easy, but I can't imagine living any other way.

Surrey!

Last weekend I was lucky enough to attend the Surrey International Writers' Conference in Surrey, British Columbia near Vancouver. It was fabulous! This is the second time I've attended the conference (the first was two years ago) and both times I learned so much. It has such a positive atmosphere and I love being surrounded by so many other writers.

One of my goals this trip was to pitch my book. I met with four different literary agents, and three of them requested more from me when the manuscript is ready. (The fourth said she'd be interested in reading more as long as the story had a "women's fiction" bent to it, which I'm not sure it does.) I was happy to hear that my idea intrigued them, but I'm not counting any chickens. It's all good and well to have an interesting concept for a novel, but if the writing isn't up to par, it doesn't matter how great the premise is. Still I'm glad they liked what they heard. It's another baby step forward!

Some random observations from my trip:

When you miss your initial flight, the airline wipes your whole itinerary. Yes, even the flights of your return trip. (Which is why I had to wake up at 3:45 on Monday morning, and got to spend five hours in the Seattle airport trying to catch a connection home.)

Boy, those hands-free cell phones make people look bizarre! I must have seen ten different people, walking through various airports, talking away to no one, cyborg-like electronic devices clipped to their ears. Too weird!

Why is it so difficult to trigger the motion sensor on those knob-less faucets in public bathrooms (or washrooms, as they say in Canada)? I felt like I was constantly waving at the sink, trying to get its attention.

What could be cooler than sitting in a room with 20 or so other people and listening to three well-known authors (Diana Gabaldon, Jack Whyte, and Michael Slade) read from their own work? Not much!

As great as it is to be away from home, immersed in the writing world, it's even greater to come home!

All before sunrise...

4:30 AM

Beep, beep, beep...beep, beep, beep...beep, beep, beep. My watch alarm already? It's dark. I'm sleepy. But I get up anyway.

4:31 AM

"MEOW! MEOW!" Bristle's hungry. I try to finish up in the bathroom as quick as I can so she doesn't wake Scott.

4:45 AM

The cats are crunching away at their bowl. My coffee and oatmeal sit steaming next to the computer. I press the power button and flip open the print-out of my manuscript to where I left off.

4:50 AM

The computer is booted up and the document is now open on the screen. I start keying in the edits I've marked on the print-out. I flip back a few pages to check on something and see a sentence that doesn't read very well—awkward wording and vague, lazy description. Shit! I thought this part was in pretty good shape already. I start tweaking the language, trying to get it to flow better.

4:52 AM

I'm still struggling with the part I thought I'd finished already. I have no idea how to improve it. Fear and insecurity make every word seem like gibberish. Who am I kidding, anyway? It's all crap. I've been spinning my wheels for months, no years and this stinking heap of ineptitude is all I've managed to come up with. (And now I'm ending my thoughts in prepositions! Some writer!)

What's sad is people I know are actually excited to read this! It's going to be so embarrassing when they see how much it sucks. I spend a minute feeling sorry for them because I know they'll worry about sparing my feelings. Poor souls.

4:53 AM

I finally figure out how to fix the sentence that's been torturing me. Thank god! Now I flip back to where I started and try to stay focused on the words themselves without getting overwhelmed by everything else.

4:59 AM

I'm clipping along pretty well—able to float down the wordstream on the page, not worrying anymore, almost too engrossed to notice I’m not worrying anymore.

5:00 AM

"MOOMMMYYYY! MOOOMMMYYY!"

Kyle. He’s not supposed to be up until six, although I usually hear from him earlier. Not this early, however. I dash back to his room before he wakes up anyone else.

“My nose doesn’t feel right,” he says. His consonants are thick with congestion.

“Oh, are you stuffed-up? Would you like a Kleenex?” He nods and rubs at his droopy eyes.

I sprint to the kitchen and the Kleenex box, consider bringing back the whole box so he’ll be less likely to ask (no yell) for more in 10 minutes, but then a premonition hits—the floor of Kyle’s room, littered with thick clouds of delicate white tissue paper. I pull out three sheets instead, and return to his bed.

“Here you go, Honey.”

“Thanks.” He swipes the tissue across his nose and curls up on his side with his eyes closed.

“Try to go back to sleep, okay?”

“Okay,” he mumbles.

I cover him up and tip toe out, closing the door as softly as I can. Usually if he wakes up any time after four in the morning, he’s up for the day. But he was acting so sleepy, maybe he’ll go back to sleep this time…. I decide to be optimistic.

5:05-5:29 AM

I’m working, editing page after page. My critical voice is only whispering now, and I’m able to ignore her most of the time.

5:30 AM

"MOOMMMYYYY! MOOOMMMYYY!"

Kyle again. I race back.

“I don’t want to lie here anymore. I want to get up.”

“I’m sorry, Sweets. It’s not six yet.”

“But I don’t want to lie he-“

"MOOMMMYYYY! MOOOMMMYYY!"

It’s Kara this time.

“Just a second, Honey,” I tell Kyle. “I’ll be right back.”

I zip to Kara’s room and open the door.

“I need to go to the baaathrooom!” she sings out in her best Larry the cucumber imitation.

“Okay,” I say holding the door open for her.

“Didn’t you hear how I told you?” she asks, disappointed I didn’t chuckle over her Larry impersonation.

“Yup, just like Larry!” I try to sound cheerful, but it’s not even 5:40 yet and I should be editing right now instead of playing bathroom escort.

Kara, bless her, quickly does what she needs to do and returns to bed without a fuss.

“Can I read until six?” she asks.

“Sure!” I answer, then turn on the light, close the door, and head back to Kyle’s room

“I need to go to the bathroom!” he announces in his normal voice, apparently not in the mood for Larry.

Déjà vu.

I escort Kyle to the bathroom so he can use the facilities and then march him back to his room.

“Can I go in Kara’s room?”

“No.”

“Can I play in here?”

I pause, considering. Technically he’s supposed to stay lying in his bed until six. But if I let him play, I’m less likely to hear another round of "MOOMMMYYYY! MOOOMMMYYY!"

“Okay.” I nod. He beams.

5:40-5:59 AM

I’m editing, but also listening for trouble or cries for assistance from either of the two back bedrooms. Miraculously, all stays quiet and I finish up page 50.

I've now edited 50 pages! Yay! Only 400 more to go! Crap.

6:00 AM

Kara and Kyle come skipping out, happy that six has arrived at last. I’m less than happy. In fact, I’m many things and happy is not one of them. I’m frustrated about the editing, worried that the manuscript sucks, irritated that despite doing my best to carve out some uninterrupted time, I still get interrupted.

And I’m guilty about feeling irritated. After all, these are my precious children who need me, whom I love so much simply thinking about how much I love them makes me wince. I shouldn’t let myself get irritated.

6:01 AM

I swallow my frustration, irritation, and guilt; save the file; turn off the computer; smile; and start making breakfast.

This is fun!

Cindy correctly pointed out that I needed to change the name of my blog. Renee, write! Finish that novel! doesn't work any more! :o), so I decided to revamp the whole thing. I'm not sure if I like this layout or not, but it certainly gives a different feel. I wish I knew more about html code so I could do more customizations.

And here is a new picture. Not super flattering, but since this blog is mostly about writing, I thought it made sense to do a writing picture (FYI, the pic was taken by my sister in the Maui airport on the way home from our trip this summer.)

I'm editing away. Currently about 75 pages into the manuscript. I'm enjoying the process and am trying not too worry so much about getting everything perfect. Susan posted a link to an Elizabeth Bear essay that I think of often when I'm panicking because I can't get the words just right. It's helping me not obsess quite as much.

I'm cutting where I can, but am nervous that I won't be able to shave enough off to make it marketable. Publishers don't typically like long first novels. It's tricky, though, because I don't want to cut just for the sake of cutting. There definitely is some superfluous writing I can ax, and fortunately I don't have a hard time pressing that delete button.

Things continue to move right along, and it feels great!

Guess what?

I just finished my novel.

I did it! I'm sitting here stunned, and proud, and in a state of extreme disbelief.

I wrote a novel.

I did it.

I DID IT!!!

Here's another teeny, tiny blog entry...

...but I wanted to pop in here real quick and share. I'm three pages from the end and am having a difficult time editing because what's going on in the scene is so exciting it's hard to focus on the text!

Pretty cool, huh?

Preschool has started!!!

Today's entry is microscopic, because I don't want to squander this precious editing time, but I just had to share...

Preschool has started again!

Hooray!

I don't know why, but I'll take it!

Finally, a good editing session. Why is it that sometimes I'm filled with anxiety--so scared I can barely put two words together, and other days I'm not? This morning, for whatever reason, fear did not dominate me.

It was such a relief.

I have trouble with faith. How many times have I had these cycles in confidence when it comes to writing? I'd go back to the beginning of this blog and count, but it'd be too way too depressing and embarrassing. The thing is, I always come out of the low phases, but when I'm stuck, it's so difficult to believe that the words will ever flow again.

Today they did. Why, I don't know. But it was fun again.

Phew!

Floundering in a pile of...

I knew this would happen.

You might remember that I typically write scene by scene--I expel a first draft of crap, spend a copious amount of time revising and polishing it until the scene is in pretty good shape, then move on to the next one and start all over again. Scenes range in length from five to ten pages, and the longer ones are tougher because they take weeks sometimes to get just right.

You might also remember that I abandoned this scene by scene approach to push through to the end and finish the story. Which was thrilling while I was doing it, and very satisfying, but meant that I ended up with a gigantic pile of...okay I won't be crass this time...less-than stellar writing to revise.

When I typed my handwritten pile of you-know-what into the computer, it was 25 pages. Now, after editing it for the last couple of months [*gasp* Has it been that long?], it has grown to 37 pages--27 of which I've already edited and 10 more pages of dreck that still need to be revised and fine tuned. While I enjoy certain aspects of editing, I'm getting tired of only editing. One of the things I liked about the scene by scene approach is that I was able to flip-flop back and forth between editing and drafting. Lately I've missed the creative surprises that pop up regularly during the drafting phase.

Oh well. I'd better get used to editing. Once I finish these last scenes, I'll read through the whole manuscript to correct any inconsistencies and slash out everything unnecessary. (Did I mention it is over 500 pages?) Then I'll give it to a few wonderful, selfless people who've volunteered to be my beta readers, and I'll revise it again based on their comments. Once it's as perfect as I can make it, I'll start submitting it to literary agents, which if I'm lucky, will lead to many more edits and revisions as it makes its way through the publishing process.

So there's a lot of editing in my future. Which is kind of cool when you think about it! After all, I've been working to really hard to get to this exact point.

You know what? I'm going to stop complaining now, and get back to editing. It's really not that bad! ;o)

Balance

Please bear with the following stream-of-consciousness blogging... (It's all I'm up to at the moment.)

I've been struggling with balance lately. It's a chronic struggle--how to give enough attention to everything and not neglect anything.

For example, my daughter wants to be a Girl Scout. I was a Girl Scout growing up and loved it and I know my daughter would love it too. So, what's the problem? The waiting list for troops is so long, the only way she can be a Girl Scout is if I volunteer to be a leader and start up a new troop. But aren't I trying to finish a novel? If I take on something new, it'll be that much harder to squeeze in writing time. Still it would be fun to do Girl Scouts with my daughter. Before long she'll be grown and interested in other things and I don't want to miss out on what could be a wonderful experience with her. So I've sent in my leader application and will soon have one more thing to balance along with everything else.

Finding a balance has been especially tough recently for many reasons: We've done lots of traveling lately; School just started up again; There have been more than the usual number of distractions.

As a result, I've lost my writing focus. I find I'm an all or nothing sort of person. Moderation is not my strength. So, as my thoughts and energies have turned towards other areas of my life, my drive to write has weakened. And it's so easy to be distracted from the novel right now because I'm in the midst of a tough section. The end needs to be powerful and it takes a lot of effort to get it the way I want it. Not to mention my insecurity is poking up its ugly head yet again. Being almost done means the moment of truth is almost at hand. Others will be reading my novel in the near future.

Unless I let myself get so distracted I never finish.

No! I want to finish. Sure it's scary and difficult, but I've spent too much time and energy on this story. I won't cheat myself by wimping out at the end.

So, I'm going to put more energy into finding that balance. I want to finish my novel. I want to be available to my kids and family. It's got to be possible to do both, don't you think?







(If you managed to wade your way through this brain dump... thank you! I'll try to compose something more coherent soon.)

Links!

I've updated my links list at last: friends, other writers, good reading...it's all there. Oh and if you know anyone who is looking for an adoptive family, check out my sister and brother-in-law's web site. They are wonderful people!

On the writing front, I'm still editing those last scenes. My progress has stalled somewhat thanks to a kidney stone, which I had over the weekend, and a migraine, which I had Monday and Tuesday. But today I'm pain free and am hoping to make some good progress. Surprisingly, it's a lot easier to edit when one isn't in agony. Go figure!

There's nothing wrong with being earnest

Yesterday as I was googling, I came across this: The Process of Being Mentally Ill, Part One. It's from Joshilyn Jackson's blog: Faster Than Kudzu and describes, in extensive, witty detail, the mental breakdown stage of novel writing...at least from one author's perspective.

Read it. It's both comforting and hilarious at the same time.

Small world, the internet. Faster Than Kudzu is the first writer's blog I ever read. I came across it about 2 years ago when Jackson's first novel Gods in Alabama was about to be published. To be honest, her blog scared me away from writer's blogs for a long time. Why? My own insecurities of course! I found Faster Than Kudzu to be clever, entertaining, informative, and completely intimidating. After reading a couple of entries, I thought if this is what real writers have to be able to do, I don't have a prayer.

Joshilyn Jackson is cool and honest and funny. I'm earnest and a dork. The thing I've come to realize, however, is that there are lots of writers out there and just as many types of writers. Sure there are those who enjoy cool, honest, funny writing, but there might be a place for the earnest dorks of the world as well. And even if there isn't, it doesn't mean that I can't write or that I shouldn't write. (Yes, I'm trying to bolster myself up here.)

It's interesting, coming back to her blog now that she has two books out. (The second is called: Between, Georgia) She's developed quite a following. I think it's a good example of how a writer can use a blog help publicize herself. (Although, I doubt generating publicity was the reason she started blogging, or why she keeps at it.)

Obviously, I don't have a problem with writer's blogs anymore. In fact, I now follow several. (Note to self: Make a list of links!) I'm not sure my confidence level is quite high enough to regularly read Faster Than Kudzu, but I'm sure I'll be up to it eventually.

Two-thirds more

I've edited about a third of the notebook scrawl. My goal, if you remember, was to get it all revised by the end of the month. It might still be possible. The family and I just returned from Maui (sorry!) and I'd hoped to get a lot of work done during our trip, but surprise, surprise, I wasn't able to do as much as I'd hoped. Now that I'm home, I should be able to make better progress.

Speaking of progress, the kids are playing quietly, so I'd better take advantage and get back at it!

More soon...

done...sort of

I'm sort of done...but not really. I did finish the story, but now I have all these notebook pages of SFD (shitty first draft) to type into the computer and try to craft into something decent.

It's finally starting to dawn on me, though, that SFDs are okay, and so far I haven't had too much anxiety during the revision process. For example, check out this quote from a recent Laurie R. King blog entry:

...when a beginning writer looks at a book like THE ART OF DETECTION they often say, “I couldn’t write a book like that.” And I have to agree, I couldn’t either.

But I could rewrite a book like that.

Rewriting is where the serious work occurs. There's nothing wrong with rewriting--on the contrary, it's an essential part of the process. When this section of my book is finally complete, no one will know the sorry state it was in when it was first conceived. It's okay that it reads like crap right now. I can make it better. (I know I've said all this before, but I'm hoping this time my feeble brain will finally accept it as truth!)

In related news, I made the possible mistake of setting another goal. This time to get the polish/edit of my notebook scribblings finished by the end of July. I think it's possible, but lord knows I haven't always done the best job of estimating realistic time frames. I'll give it my best shot, though.

Oh and after over three years, I finally have a title for my novel. It's not set in stone, but for now it feels right.

I'm still inching along, but I'm getting there!