Surrey!

Last weekend I was lucky enough to attend the Surrey International Writers' Conference in Surrey, British Columbia near Vancouver. It was fabulous! This is the second time I've attended the conference (the first was two years ago) and both times I learned so much. It has such a positive atmosphere and I love being surrounded by so many other writers.

One of my goals this trip was to pitch my book. I met with four different literary agents, and three of them requested more from me when the manuscript is ready. (The fourth said she'd be interested in reading more as long as the story had a "women's fiction" bent to it, which I'm not sure it does.) I was happy to hear that my idea intrigued them, but I'm not counting any chickens. It's all good and well to have an interesting concept for a novel, but if the writing isn't up to par, it doesn't matter how great the premise is. Still I'm glad they liked what they heard. It's another baby step forward!

Some random observations from my trip:

When you miss your initial flight, the airline wipes your whole itinerary. Yes, even the flights of your return trip. (Which is why I had to wake up at 3:45 on Monday morning, and got to spend five hours in the Seattle airport trying to catch a connection home.)

Boy, those hands-free cell phones make people look bizarre! I must have seen ten different people, walking through various airports, talking away to no one, cyborg-like electronic devices clipped to their ears. Too weird!

Why is it so difficult to trigger the motion sensor on those knob-less faucets in public bathrooms (or washrooms, as they say in Canada)? I felt like I was constantly waving at the sink, trying to get its attention.

What could be cooler than sitting in a room with 20 or so other people and listening to three well-known authors (Diana Gabaldon, Jack Whyte, and Michael Slade) read from their own work? Not much!

As great as it is to be away from home, immersed in the writing world, it's even greater to come home!

All before sunrise...

4:30 AM

Beep, beep, beep...beep, beep, beep...beep, beep, beep. My watch alarm already? It's dark. I'm sleepy. But I get up anyway.

4:31 AM

"MEOW! MEOW!" Bristle's hungry. I try to finish up in the bathroom as quick as I can so she doesn't wake Scott.

4:45 AM

The cats are crunching away at their bowl. My coffee and oatmeal sit steaming next to the computer. I press the power button and flip open the print-out of my manuscript to where I left off.

4:50 AM

The computer is booted up and the document is now open on the screen. I start keying in the edits I've marked on the print-out. I flip back a few pages to check on something and see a sentence that doesn't read very well—awkward wording and vague, lazy description. Shit! I thought this part was in pretty good shape already. I start tweaking the language, trying to get it to flow better.

4:52 AM

I'm still struggling with the part I thought I'd finished already. I have no idea how to improve it. Fear and insecurity make every word seem like gibberish. Who am I kidding, anyway? It's all crap. I've been spinning my wheels for months, no years and this stinking heap of ineptitude is all I've managed to come up with. (And now I'm ending my thoughts in prepositions! Some writer!)

What's sad is people I know are actually excited to read this! It's going to be so embarrassing when they see how much it sucks. I spend a minute feeling sorry for them because I know they'll worry about sparing my feelings. Poor souls.

4:53 AM

I finally figure out how to fix the sentence that's been torturing me. Thank god! Now I flip back to where I started and try to stay focused on the words themselves without getting overwhelmed by everything else.

4:59 AM

I'm clipping along pretty well—able to float down the wordstream on the page, not worrying anymore, almost too engrossed to notice I’m not worrying anymore.

5:00 AM

"MOOMMMYYYY! MOOOMMMYYY!"

Kyle. He’s not supposed to be up until six, although I usually hear from him earlier. Not this early, however. I dash back to his room before he wakes up anyone else.

“My nose doesn’t feel right,” he says. His consonants are thick with congestion.

“Oh, are you stuffed-up? Would you like a Kleenex?” He nods and rubs at his droopy eyes.

I sprint to the kitchen and the Kleenex box, consider bringing back the whole box so he’ll be less likely to ask (no yell) for more in 10 minutes, but then a premonition hits—the floor of Kyle’s room, littered with thick clouds of delicate white tissue paper. I pull out three sheets instead, and return to his bed.

“Here you go, Honey.”

“Thanks.” He swipes the tissue across his nose and curls up on his side with his eyes closed.

“Try to go back to sleep, okay?”

“Okay,” he mumbles.

I cover him up and tip toe out, closing the door as softly as I can. Usually if he wakes up any time after four in the morning, he’s up for the day. But he was acting so sleepy, maybe he’ll go back to sleep this time…. I decide to be optimistic.

5:05-5:29 AM

I’m working, editing page after page. My critical voice is only whispering now, and I’m able to ignore her most of the time.

5:30 AM

"MOOMMMYYYY! MOOOMMMYYY!"

Kyle again. I race back.

“I don’t want to lie here anymore. I want to get up.”

“I’m sorry, Sweets. It’s not six yet.”

“But I don’t want to lie he-“

"MOOMMMYYYY! MOOOMMMYYY!"

It’s Kara this time.

“Just a second, Honey,” I tell Kyle. “I’ll be right back.”

I zip to Kara’s room and open the door.

“I need to go to the baaathrooom!” she sings out in her best Larry the cucumber imitation.

“Okay,” I say holding the door open for her.

“Didn’t you hear how I told you?” she asks, disappointed I didn’t chuckle over her Larry impersonation.

“Yup, just like Larry!” I try to sound cheerful, but it’s not even 5:40 yet and I should be editing right now instead of playing bathroom escort.

Kara, bless her, quickly does what she needs to do and returns to bed without a fuss.

“Can I read until six?” she asks.

“Sure!” I answer, then turn on the light, close the door, and head back to Kyle’s room

“I need to go to the bathroom!” he announces in his normal voice, apparently not in the mood for Larry.

Déjà vu.

I escort Kyle to the bathroom so he can use the facilities and then march him back to his room.

“Can I go in Kara’s room?”

“No.”

“Can I play in here?”

I pause, considering. Technically he’s supposed to stay lying in his bed until six. But if I let him play, I’m less likely to hear another round of "MOOMMMYYYY! MOOOMMMYYY!"

“Okay.” I nod. He beams.

5:40-5:59 AM

I’m editing, but also listening for trouble or cries for assistance from either of the two back bedrooms. Miraculously, all stays quiet and I finish up page 50.

I've now edited 50 pages! Yay! Only 400 more to go! Crap.

6:00 AM

Kara and Kyle come skipping out, happy that six has arrived at last. I’m less than happy. In fact, I’m many things and happy is not one of them. I’m frustrated about the editing, worried that the manuscript sucks, irritated that despite doing my best to carve out some uninterrupted time, I still get interrupted.

And I’m guilty about feeling irritated. After all, these are my precious children who need me, whom I love so much simply thinking about how much I love them makes me wince. I shouldn’t let myself get irritated.

6:01 AM

I swallow my frustration, irritation, and guilt; save the file; turn off the computer; smile; and start making breakfast.

This is fun!

Cindy correctly pointed out that I needed to change the name of my blog. Renee, write! Finish that novel! doesn't work any more! :o), so I decided to revamp the whole thing. I'm not sure if I like this layout or not, but it certainly gives a different feel. I wish I knew more about html code so I could do more customizations.

And here is a new picture. Not super flattering, but since this blog is mostly about writing, I thought it made sense to do a writing picture (FYI, the pic was taken by my sister in the Maui airport on the way home from our trip this summer.)

I'm editing away. Currently about 75 pages into the manuscript. I'm enjoying the process and am trying not too worry so much about getting everything perfect. Susan posted a link to an Elizabeth Bear essay that I think of often when I'm panicking because I can't get the words just right. It's helping me not obsess quite as much.

I'm cutting where I can, but am nervous that I won't be able to shave enough off to make it marketable. Publishers don't typically like long first novels. It's tricky, though, because I don't want to cut just for the sake of cutting. There definitely is some superfluous writing I can ax, and fortunately I don't have a hard time pressing that delete button.

Things continue to move right along, and it feels great!

Guess what?

I just finished my novel.

I did it! I'm sitting here stunned, and proud, and in a state of extreme disbelief.

I wrote a novel.

I did it.

I DID IT!!!

Here's another teeny, tiny blog entry...

...but I wanted to pop in here real quick and share. I'm three pages from the end and am having a difficult time editing because what's going on in the scene is so exciting it's hard to focus on the text!

Pretty cool, huh?

Preschool has started!!!

Today's entry is microscopic, because I don't want to squander this precious editing time, but I just had to share...

Preschool has started again!

Hooray!

I don't know why, but I'll take it!

Finally, a good editing session. Why is it that sometimes I'm filled with anxiety--so scared I can barely put two words together, and other days I'm not? This morning, for whatever reason, fear did not dominate me.

It was such a relief.

I have trouble with faith. How many times have I had these cycles in confidence when it comes to writing? I'd go back to the beginning of this blog and count, but it'd be too way too depressing and embarrassing. The thing is, I always come out of the low phases, but when I'm stuck, it's so difficult to believe that the words will ever flow again.

Today they did. Why, I don't know. But it was fun again.

Phew!

Floundering in a pile of...

I knew this would happen.

You might remember that I typically write scene by scene--I expel a first draft of crap, spend a copious amount of time revising and polishing it until the scene is in pretty good shape, then move on to the next one and start all over again. Scenes range in length from five to ten pages, and the longer ones are tougher because they take weeks sometimes to get just right.

You might also remember that I abandoned this scene by scene approach to push through to the end and finish the story. Which was thrilling while I was doing it, and very satisfying, but meant that I ended up with a gigantic pile of...okay I won't be crass this time...less-than stellar writing to revise.

When I typed my handwritten pile of you-know-what into the computer, it was 25 pages. Now, after editing it for the last couple of months [*gasp* Has it been that long?], it has grown to 37 pages--27 of which I've already edited and 10 more pages of dreck that still need to be revised and fine tuned. While I enjoy certain aspects of editing, I'm getting tired of only editing. One of the things I liked about the scene by scene approach is that I was able to flip-flop back and forth between editing and drafting. Lately I've missed the creative surprises that pop up regularly during the drafting phase.

Oh well. I'd better get used to editing. Once I finish these last scenes, I'll read through the whole manuscript to correct any inconsistencies and slash out everything unnecessary. (Did I mention it is over 500 pages?) Then I'll give it to a few wonderful, selfless people who've volunteered to be my beta readers, and I'll revise it again based on their comments. Once it's as perfect as I can make it, I'll start submitting it to literary agents, which if I'm lucky, will lead to many more edits and revisions as it makes its way through the publishing process.

So there's a lot of editing in my future. Which is kind of cool when you think about it! After all, I've been working to really hard to get to this exact point.

You know what? I'm going to stop complaining now, and get back to editing. It's really not that bad! ;o)

Balance

Please bear with the following stream-of-consciousness blogging... (It's all I'm up to at the moment.)

I've been struggling with balance lately. It's a chronic struggle--how to give enough attention to everything and not neglect anything.

For example, my daughter wants to be a Girl Scout. I was a Girl Scout growing up and loved it and I know my daughter would love it too. So, what's the problem? The waiting list for troops is so long, the only way she can be a Girl Scout is if I volunteer to be a leader and start up a new troop. But aren't I trying to finish a novel? If I take on something new, it'll be that much harder to squeeze in writing time. Still it would be fun to do Girl Scouts with my daughter. Before long she'll be grown and interested in other things and I don't want to miss out on what could be a wonderful experience with her. So I've sent in my leader application and will soon have one more thing to balance along with everything else.

Finding a balance has been especially tough recently for many reasons: We've done lots of traveling lately; School just started up again; There have been more than the usual number of distractions.

As a result, I've lost my writing focus. I find I'm an all or nothing sort of person. Moderation is not my strength. So, as my thoughts and energies have turned towards other areas of my life, my drive to write has weakened. And it's so easy to be distracted from the novel right now because I'm in the midst of a tough section. The end needs to be powerful and it takes a lot of effort to get it the way I want it. Not to mention my insecurity is poking up its ugly head yet again. Being almost done means the moment of truth is almost at hand. Others will be reading my novel in the near future.

Unless I let myself get so distracted I never finish.

No! I want to finish. Sure it's scary and difficult, but I've spent too much time and energy on this story. I won't cheat myself by wimping out at the end.

So, I'm going to put more energy into finding that balance. I want to finish my novel. I want to be available to my kids and family. It's got to be possible to do both, don't you think?







(If you managed to wade your way through this brain dump... thank you! I'll try to compose something more coherent soon.)

Links!

I've updated my links list at last: friends, other writers, good reading...it's all there. Oh and if you know anyone who is looking for an adoptive family, check out my sister and brother-in-law's web site. They are wonderful people!

On the writing front, I'm still editing those last scenes. My progress has stalled somewhat thanks to a kidney stone, which I had over the weekend, and a migraine, which I had Monday and Tuesday. But today I'm pain free and am hoping to make some good progress. Surprisingly, it's a lot easier to edit when one isn't in agony. Go figure!

There's nothing wrong with being earnest

Yesterday as I was googling, I came across this: The Process of Being Mentally Ill, Part One. It's from Joshilyn Jackson's blog: Faster Than Kudzu and describes, in extensive, witty detail, the mental breakdown stage of novel writing...at least from one author's perspective.

Read it. It's both comforting and hilarious at the same time.

Small world, the internet. Faster Than Kudzu is the first writer's blog I ever read. I came across it about 2 years ago when Jackson's first novel Gods in Alabama was about to be published. To be honest, her blog scared me away from writer's blogs for a long time. Why? My own insecurities of course! I found Faster Than Kudzu to be clever, entertaining, informative, and completely intimidating. After reading a couple of entries, I thought if this is what real writers have to be able to do, I don't have a prayer.

Joshilyn Jackson is cool and honest and funny. I'm earnest and a dork. The thing I've come to realize, however, is that there are lots of writers out there and just as many types of writers. Sure there are those who enjoy cool, honest, funny writing, but there might be a place for the earnest dorks of the world as well. And even if there isn't, it doesn't mean that I can't write or that I shouldn't write. (Yes, I'm trying to bolster myself up here.)

It's interesting, coming back to her blog now that she has two books out. (The second is called: Between, Georgia) She's developed quite a following. I think it's a good example of how a writer can use a blog help publicize herself. (Although, I doubt generating publicity was the reason she started blogging, or why she keeps at it.)

Obviously, I don't have a problem with writer's blogs anymore. In fact, I now follow several. (Note to self: Make a list of links!) I'm not sure my confidence level is quite high enough to regularly read Faster Than Kudzu, but I'm sure I'll be up to it eventually.

Two-thirds more

I've edited about a third of the notebook scrawl. My goal, if you remember, was to get it all revised by the end of the month. It might still be possible. The family and I just returned from Maui (sorry!) and I'd hoped to get a lot of work done during our trip, but surprise, surprise, I wasn't able to do as much as I'd hoped. Now that I'm home, I should be able to make better progress.

Speaking of progress, the kids are playing quietly, so I'd better take advantage and get back at it!

More soon...

done...sort of

I'm sort of done...but not really. I did finish the story, but now I have all these notebook pages of SFD (shitty first draft) to type into the computer and try to craft into something decent.

It's finally starting to dawn on me, though, that SFDs are okay, and so far I haven't had too much anxiety during the revision process. For example, check out this quote from a recent Laurie R. King blog entry:

...when a beginning writer looks at a book like THE ART OF DETECTION they often say, “I couldn’t write a book like that.” And I have to agree, I couldn’t either.

But I could rewrite a book like that.

Rewriting is where the serious work occurs. There's nothing wrong with rewriting--on the contrary, it's an essential part of the process. When this section of my book is finally complete, no one will know the sorry state it was in when it was first conceived. It's okay that it reads like crap right now. I can make it better. (I know I've said all this before, but I'm hoping this time my feeble brain will finally accept it as truth!)

In related news, I made the possible mistake of setting another goal. This time to get the polish/edit of my notebook scribblings finished by the end of July. I think it's possible, but lord knows I haven't always done the best job of estimating realistic time frames. I'll give it my best shot, though.

Oh and after over three years, I finally have a title for my novel. It's not set in stone, but for now it feels right.

I'm still inching along, but I'm getting there!

Antsy

I'm antsy and jittery and it's not from coffee.

My story is so close to being complete. I know I've said that before, but this time it's true, I swear! I'll should finish it today--maybe tomorrow at the latest. Yeah, yeah, yeah, then I have to go back and revise and polish--but still...it's exciting.

And I'm going to send out a short story I wrote two years ago. It's been rejected from three magazines so far and has been languishing for months in another journal's slush pile with no word as to its fate, so I think the time has come to dust it off and submit it somewhere else. I'm going over it again, and tweaking it slightly (just word changes here and there, no alterations to the story) and want to get it in the mail to another lit journal today or tomorrow. It'd be nice to have a publishing credit when I start sending out queries for my novel. (Well, a more relevant publishing credit than the parenting articles and a more recent credit than the story published in Jack and Jill magazine when I was 10.)

Did I mention my daughter's 7th birthday is tomorrow and I still need to finish shopping, clean the house, and decorate for her party?

No wonder I'm antsy!

Tri no more

I've fallen out of the blogging groove. There's lots I could say, but I'm not always in the mood to say it.

The good news is I haven't fallen out of the writing groove: I'm writing away as usual. Last week we went camping and I wrote every day in a notebook, sitting in a beach chair by the American River. Talk about a picturesque writing spot! The notebook writing was so enjoyable, I decided to keep it going, even though I'm now back in civilization. It's good right now, because the story is sweeping me along faster than that American River (which is both high and swift thanks to all of that late spring snow and rain) and I want to follow it to the end--which is coming, believe it or not, in the next couple of days. However, I could be setting myself up for weeks of hell as I revise and polish all of those pages of notebook scrawl and I'm sure I'll come to regret abandoning the scene by scene method I've used up until this point. Right now, however, it feels good to charge forward to the end.

On a not-completely-related note, I think I'm going to give up on a goal I set for myself at the beginning of the year. I'd planned to do a women's sprint triathlon in September, but now I'm thinking I just don't have the time if I'm ever going to get this novel finished. The thing is, I can do my Body for Life workouts while I'm taking care of the kids. (I'm an expert at gasping, "I can't talk right now Honey, but I'll tell you in a minute," when the kids ask me a question mid-weightlifting set, and slapping together peanut butter sandwiches during the one-minute breaks between sets), but in order to train for a triathlon, I'd need to utilize my babysitting network, and I want to reserve them for uninterrupted daylight writing sessions. I still want to do the triathlon, but I'm thinking next year makes more sense. I'm kind of bummed, since I was really looking forward to the challenge of swimming, biking, and running all in one race, but as much as I'd like to prepare for a triathlon while finishing a novel, it's not realistic to do both.

One time-consuming, selfish goal at a time!

Rest Time Writing Revisited

Did I mention it's summer vacation? No school...less me time. Actually, it's okay. I really love having the kids around and that our schedule is more relaxed. But I need to find some more time to write. So I think it's time to bring rest time out of retirement. The swimming bribe worked pretty well the other day, but it's unseasonably cool right now, so I can't use that strategy again until it warms up.

It's okay. I have lots of ideas! Today, we'll go rent Ice Age from the video store. They haven't seen it yet, and it should keep them reasonably occupied for 90 minutes or so. Then tomorrow we can go see Ice Age 2 at our local theater (it's part of their free summer movie series). And I'm going to be a big weirdo and bring my lap top to the theater and write during the movie.

That'll be a first--writing in a movie theater, that is. I'm often a big weirdo. (No surprise there!)

Jogging

Still jogging along, trying not to panic. A new scene I wasn't expecting cropped up yesterday. It's good for the story but it means I have more to do than I thought. As Stuart Smalley would say, "And that's...okay!" (Have I quoted Stuart, yet? I'll have to do a search of my past entries and see.)

I stumbled across a blog the other day belonging to an author I really enjoy, Laurie R. King. She recently did something exceptionally brave, in my opinion--she started a short story live on the web. It was an exercise to demonstrate the writing process and what a first draft tends to look like--even if it's the first draft written by an established, award winning author. She plans to post both the first draft and the final version of the story (when completed) on her web site.

Check it out: Writer's Improv

Better

Things went much better yesterday and again during my early morning writing session this morning. The words flowed for the first time in weeks. I finished one section and almost finished another. (Thanks, Mom, for watching the kids yesterday so I could write!)

The kids are going to let me write for an hour this afternoon and then we're going to go swim at our local pool. (As a parent, you sometimes have to resort to bribery!)

I'm feeling more optimistic about it all again. Yay!

Salieri

Ever seen the movie Amadeus? Remember the character Salieri--who wanted to compose music as beautiful as Mozart's, but didn't have the talent to make it happen? I often feel like Salieri--although not so jealous of someone else's talent that I'd resort to poisoning him or her. It's more that I see the type of writing I want to be able to do, but it's SO hard to get there. And I often don't.

I haven't blogged in almost a month for two reasons:

1. I haven't been making a lot of progress on my novel, and
2. I'm going through another low self-confidence, panicky, who-the-hell-am-I-to-think-I-can-do-this phase.

Do you think the two reasons are related?

Uh, yeah...me too.

I'm trying to write more. I'm trying to force myself to sit down at the computer and forge ahead, even though it is SO hard right now. The end is in site and a lot of baggage comes a long with getting near the end. I know I'll get past it. Heck, half of this blog documents the low phases I've worked past. But that doesn't make things any easier right now.

Warrior Girl wrote a great blog entry about why writing a novel is so difficult.

Writing Past the Demons

See? I'm not the only one!

May 9 has come and gone...

...and May 9 was when I hoped to have finished--six months from the day I started this blog. I didn't meet the goal I set back in November, but I have made a lot progress.

Since November 9 I have written 120 pages and come within a couple of scenes of finishing.

In the six months prior to November 9 do you know how many pages I wrote?

28

Now I write regularly, almost every day, which was something I was not doing last fall. I've also dealt with lots of fear and insecurity and pushed through those panicky feelings instead of giving up when things got hard. I realized I'm an artist and quite normal--well, as normal as an artist can be, anyway.

So maybe I didn't get exactly where I wanted to be right now. I'm not done. But I am very close and I have accomplished much more than I probably would have if I hadn't set the goal.

I feel pretty good about that!