Process Juggling

So I'm submitting my first book, beginning book 2, and hoping not to explode into a cloud of anxiety in the meantime.

Trying to find an agent is both terrifying, and strangely exciting. There's an element about it of taking a deep breath and stepping off a cliff. I can't think about what's really happening too much, I just have to do it. But paradoxically, I also have to pay close attention to all of the details because they need to be perfect. So I'm in an odd place of trying to detatch emotionally from what I'm doing, while at the same time really focusing on it. No wonder I'm a little scattered right now!

Because of the frightening nature of the submitting process, I'm having some trouble diving into book 2. You see, in the early drafting phases of a story, I have to play a lot of mind games with myself because often what initially emerges from my brain and lands on the screen is...shall we say...less than perfect. It's usually quite bad, in fact. So knowing that my writing has to be darn good for an agent to want to take me on, makes it hard for me to let go and be bad in the drafting phase. I can't forget that what I'm writing is eventually going to be read, because right now I'm sending out something I've written to be read by people who are evaluating it! My stomach sinks, just typing the words! True, the writing the agents are reading is different writing, but tell that to my anxious thoughts. They are having trouble differentiating.

But as I mentioned in my last entry, I realize I need to write and be creative. It helps me handle everything. Something about that creative outlet brings me peace. So while in some ways, the new writing adds to my nervousness, it also helps reduce it.

Yeah, that doesn't really make sense, even to me!

I am a writer

Why do I feel so sheepish declaring it? I am. I've recently realized that I need to write for my emotional health. Sure it can be difficult, but it's something worthwhile to stress about. I'd much rather agonize over a problem in a story I'm creating, or getting my language just right, than the laundry or my grimy floors.

My kids are both in school now, so I have more time. I'm going to take advantage of it. I've started my second novel, and my first is going out to agents.

I really am a writer. Maybe someday I'll feel comfortable saying so.