"It's not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both."

--E.B. White, Charlotte's Web

I had a fabulous conversation today with someone who’s both a true friend and a good writer. We talked about stories and characters and where they come from. I told her about how I got started on my novel, and the spark that inspired me to begin. This small kernel of an idea grew and became more complex and rich and interesting as I was writing.

Basically you don’t have to know what’s going to happen in a story before getting started. You don’t even have to know much about your characters. You can find them and learn all sorts of interesting things about them as you write. It’s such a freeing realization, that you don’t need to know everything about your story before you start, or even more than just the tiniest tidbit. Most of it you can find along the way.

It was so great to talk to her about all of that because I had forgotten how babyish those initial steps were for me four plus years ago when I began writing fiction. It helped so much to remember how slowly I started. I think one of the reasons I’ve been so paralyzed lately is that I’ve been thinking about the whole of book two, instead of taking it step by baby step like I did with book one.

I don’t have to know much about what’s going to happen in this second book. I'll find it as I go.

She can too, and I can't wait to read what she discovers!

Process Juggling

So I'm submitting my first book, beginning book 2, and hoping not to explode into a cloud of anxiety in the meantime.

Trying to find an agent is both terrifying, and strangely exciting. There's an element about it of taking a deep breath and stepping off a cliff. I can't think about what's really happening too much, I just have to do it. But paradoxically, I also have to pay close attention to all of the details because they need to be perfect. So I'm in an odd place of trying to detatch emotionally from what I'm doing, while at the same time really focusing on it. No wonder I'm a little scattered right now!

Because of the frightening nature of the submitting process, I'm having some trouble diving into book 2. You see, in the early drafting phases of a story, I have to play a lot of mind games with myself because often what initially emerges from my brain and lands on the screen is...shall we say...less than perfect. It's usually quite bad, in fact. So knowing that my writing has to be darn good for an agent to want to take me on, makes it hard for me to let go and be bad in the drafting phase. I can't forget that what I'm writing is eventually going to be read, because right now I'm sending out something I've written to be read by people who are evaluating it! My stomach sinks, just typing the words! True, the writing the agents are reading is different writing, but tell that to my anxious thoughts. They are having trouble differentiating.

But as I mentioned in my last entry, I realize I need to write and be creative. It helps me handle everything. Something about that creative outlet brings me peace. So while in some ways, the new writing adds to my nervousness, it also helps reduce it.

Yeah, that doesn't really make sense, even to me!

I am a writer

Why do I feel so sheepish declaring it? I am. I've recently realized that I need to write for my emotional health. Sure it can be difficult, but it's something worthwhile to stress about. I'd much rather agonize over a problem in a story I'm creating, or getting my language just right, than the laundry or my grimy floors.

My kids are both in school now, so I have more time. I'm going to take advantage of it. I've started my second novel, and my first is going out to agents.

I really am a writer. Maybe someday I'll feel comfortable saying so.

Rats!

I wanted to post more to my blog, but it's been over a week and I still haven't gotten back to it. Ugh!

And there's no time right now to compose a new entry, but in the spirit of putting up something, I thought I'd post a link to an article I read recently that relates to one of my 7 "random" facts. Timely don't you think? Check out the ad at the bottom. Doesn't exactly match the article's content!

Be back soon, I hope!

;P










(Oh and in keeping with the theme of this entry, the kids are I are going to see Ratatouille this afternon!)

Update and some not exactly random facts

So, I haven't stopped writing, I've just stopped blogging. But wyo tagged me, and I remembered: I have a blog! Maybe I should get back to it.

However, since I've found a way to deal with all of the emotion and angst I used to describe here, I'm not sure what to blog about. I'll have to put some thought into it.

But, first things first: here's an update. I finished editing the beta version of my novel in May. Three incredibly-generous-with-their-time friends read/are reading the manuscript, and I'm now incorporating their comments. I still haven't heard from one person, but the two who have responded said (*blush*) that they really liked it. Nice to hear. Okay, who am I kidding...it was GREAT to hear! So the time to send the manuscript out to literary agents is approaching. :o)

Now on to wyo's tag. 7 random facts. Hmm...random. How can one consciously think randomly? Wouldn't you have to choose many facts first, say 100 or so, and then randomly select 7 of them? Sorry, I'm not going to do that. Coming up with 7 is going to be tough enough.

Anyway, without further ado, here are the first 7 facts about me that popped into my head just now (and that I am willing to share publicly).

1. I can tie the stem of a cherry into a knot, using only my mouth. It is an innate ability, which I didn't know I had until I was around 20 and tried to do it for the first time. Bet you didn't know I was so talented!

2. I hate eating popsicles. I can't stand popsicle sticks. Something about them give me the creeps. And the thought of chewing on one (which I realize is not a necessary part of the popsicle-eating experience) is horrifying. It's like nails on a chalkboard to me, and I have no idea why.

3. I like rats. Well not wild rats, but pet rats. My kids have two and they are so sweet and friendly, with such cute personalities. Several times last year when I walked my daughter to school, I brought the rats, who sat on my shoulder or hid underneath my sweatshirt. I'm not sure if any of the other parents noticed since I was avoiding eye contact and trying to decide if carrying two rats on the walk to school made me a cool mom or just a weirdo!

4. I have a very young-sounding voice. I'm 37 and sometimes when I answer the phone people still ask me if they can talk to my mom or dad. My daughter's gymnastics teacher thought I was her when he called our house. She was 7 at the time.

5. I went to Australia in May. My husband and my kids didn't go; it was just me and my dad. I loved Australia and I loved having that one on one time with my dad, but I hated being so far from my family for so long. Although, I did read more books over those 10 days than I had in months!

6. I went to Europe in June. Yes, I'm not kidding. I left for that trip 9 days after coming back from Australia. This time the whole family went. It was an amazing experience. We cruised the Mediterranean on The Voyager of the Seas. This was my first time on a cruise and my first time visiting Europe. I highly recommend both.

7. International travel is not typical for me--I swear! Although considering facts 5 and 6, it might not seem that way!

Okay, now who to tag.... I'm supposed to tag 7 people. Do I know 7 people who blog? I don't think so. So I'll go with 3.

• Cindy, because even after all this time, she still remembers me!


• Susan, since I have such fond memories of our ride back to the airport together after Surrey, plus I was thinking about her the other day when I drove past the exit that leads to the town where she grew up.


• And Karenna, since the last time I had to tag someone, I tagged her and she wasn't blogging then, but she's blogging now!

That's the best I can do--but it's better than nothing, right?

Oh, and can I say I hate this new version of blogger's spell check? Talk about not user friendly!

No, I mean it! I swear I'm still here!

I finally figured out how to make the switch to Google and the new blogger. Things are rolling along, and I'll post a new entry about my latest goings-on in a day or two.

No really!

I promise!

I'm still here!

So why is it that I've seemingly abandoned my blog?

Is it that I've stopped work on my novel?

Nope. I've edited over 200 pages and am still working steadily.

I think it's because of The Artists's Way. Every morning I write three pages about whatever's rattling around in my head, including my thoughts on the writing process. The morning pages have helped me deal with my writing-related fears and so I haven't had much to blog about. Guess I need to come up with a new theme for Pointed Squiggle. I am finding a balance and feel much more at peace about pretty much everything. Amazing, huh?

Right now I'm editing the 5th 50-page chunk of my manuscript. This is the trickiest chunk by far since the story here has a couple of holes I've been trying to figure out how to fill. I think I've got it worked out, though and once I have this section nailed, I'm expecting the remaining chunks to go faster. As nutty as it is to admit, I should be ready to send the whole thing out before too long.

Wow!

Merry Christmas!

I survived reading deprivation week and I survived Christmas. Also, I handed out the 2nd 50 and am working away on the 3rd.

So, things are fine! But a dedicated, interesting blogger I have not been of late. Sorry! Thanks to anyone still bearing with me. I'll try to come up with something new here soon!

Happy 2007!

Reading Deprivation

As I mentioned a couple of entries ago, I'm doing a creativity program called The Artist's Way. Each week we're supposed to do exercises to help us become more creative. This week I'm not supposed to read. Anything.

I'm panicking!

I read so much. It's a huge part of my life. But I also know that one of the reasons I read is to block out my own thoughts. By depriving myself of other people's words and thoughts for a week, I should become more in tune with my own.

I don't want to do this. I can't imagine doing it. But I'm going to do it.

It means no reading on line either. So I'm going to un-plug.

See you next Saturday.

Ack!

I'm it and I didn't even know it!

Cindy tagged me, but it took me a couple of days to figure out what that meant. Whoops! Sorry about that. But better late than never, I suppose. So, without further ado, here are some of my thoughts on the Christmas season.

1. Eggnog or Hot Chocolate? Hot chocolate. Although my sister's eggnog lattés are pretty good too!

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree? Santa wraps everything--including the stocking gifts!

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? We have colored twinkly lights on our tree, but white outside.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? Not usually.

5. When do you put your decorations up? We put some up the weekend after T-giving. We're doing the tree this weekend.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? Stuffing. Yum!

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child: Well, nothing as good as Cindy's pony! (Wow!) But I remember one Christmas my sister and I woke up around 4 in the morning and tiptoed out to see the tree. It was so exciting to see all of those presents. We were too jazzed to go back to sleep, so we lay in bed and listened to my Grandpa tell us stories to distract us until it was time to get up. He was an actor, and a great story teller and it was so much fun being up in the dark, with presents only a couple of hours away, listening.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I asked my mom point blank when I was five, and she told me the truth. Both of my kids (ages 7 and 5) still believe, and I wish they would ask so I can finally tell them and stop feeling so torn between the fun and magic of perpetuating the myth, and the guilt I feel about lying to them.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? When I was a kid--never. Everything was on Christmas. But now we celebrate Christmas Eve at my husband's grandma's house and open presents there.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? There's no theme, and it's certainly not designer. Our tree is covered with a hodgepodge of ornaments from my childhood and ones we've accumulated since we were married. I think our tree always turns out beautifully, but it wouldn't win any awards!

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Love it because we don't have to live with it! It doesn't snow often here, and when it does, it doesn't last for more than a few hours. We live close enough to the mountains that we can easily go visit the snow whenever we feel like playing in it!

12. Can you ice skate? It's been years, but I think I could still make it around a rink. I've never ice-skated on a frozen pond, but I'd love to do that someday.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Hmm--I don't think I could pick just one. My ten-speed bike when I was seven was very exciting, as was my Walkman when I was 13. Recently, it was probably the pendant that my husband had re-set with a diamond of my grandmother's that had been on a very old fashioned pin, I never wore. It's beautiful and I loved that he thought to do that for me.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Sharing with family. I love the tradition of it all.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Apple pie, alamode--although, I also love pumpkin pie. Usually, I have a sliver of each.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Christmas Gift! It's hard to explain, but it's something my dad's side of the family does. The goal is to be the first person to say "Christmas Gift" on Christmas day to another member of the family. Basically, you want to remember to do it before they remember. Some years there's lots of plotting to distract the other person so they forget all about Christmas Gift and you can "get them" first.

17. What tops your tree? An angel ornament.

18. Which do you prefer: giving or receiving? Giving. (Really. Honest!)

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? I have two. "Sleigh Ride" and "O Holy Night"

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? I used to like them a lot, but now they taste too sugary for me. Now fudge on the other hand, is not a problem!

I'm going to tag my dear friend wyo even though she certainly doesn't need me to give her a topic to blog about, and Karenna in the hopes that it might prompt her to post an update. :o)

Remember me?

Yikes! It's December 1. I didn't blog much in November, did I?

But I'm still progressing on my novel in my typical snail-like way. This morning I finished the outline! And I've patched all the holes in the plot...I think, anyway. Now I'm going to get back to editing.

A couple of new developments:

First of all I gave the first 50 pages to a few people. (It was weeks ago, but the problem with sporadic blogging is that things don't always get mentioned in a timely manner.) That was both scary and exciting. And now I've got several people clamoring for more! I'm going to continue to pass out the manuscript in 50 page chunks as I finish editing them.

Secondly, I started doing The Artist's Way. It's a 12 week program to help one become more creative. I think it's mostly geared toward blocked artists, who can't bring themselves to start creating, which isn't my problem. But I was hoping that it would help me deal with those darn fear-filled creative slumps I slog through so regularly. So far, I think it's helping. I'm definitely feeling more relaxed while I'm working.

So, that's where I am. :o)

(And I can now cross "update blog" off my list! Yay!)

Happy anniversary...

...to me!

One year ago today I started this blog.

I was having trouble staying motivated to finish my novel and hoped documenting my progress on line would help.

It sure did! :o)

Pointed Squiggle

What does it mean--Pointed Squiggle? I finally know. It's the surface on which I'm trying to balance--wiggly and jagged; unstable and sharp.

Not surprisingly, I've been floundering. The post-Surrey low has hit full-force.

Part of it is I had an extremely busy week following the conference--filled with meetings, school projects, and birthday planning. (Kyle turned five last week! How is that possible?) Throughout it all, I woke up early to write, but most of the week was jam packed with an overwhelming heap of other responsibilities.

And part of my problem is I decided to switch gears and [shudder] outline my novel.

I'm not an outliner. Many writers use them, but I never have. As I explained in earlier blog entries, I enjoy the process of discovery that occurs during the writing process. I love to experience the story as I'm writing it and I don't think I could plan it all out before I start, because I need the act of writing in order to create.

But now I'm trying to make sure the story is tightly written and includes nothing boring or unnecessary. I expected the extraneous parts to jump out at me as I read the manuscript, but I kept getting distracted by the language and found it hard to focus on the big picture. I'm hoping an outline will help me see where the story (as opposed to the writing) needs work. Also one of the agents I met at the conference asked me to send him a detailed outline, so it's something I need to do anyway. If it can help me through this stage of the process, all the better.

Still it's a task that I wasn't expecting and I can't help but feel like my progress has ground to a halt. I'm not editing, I'm outlining. My rational mind knows it's necessary, but my illogical side believes I'm slacking off somehow.

Then there are all those typical pulls and emotions, which seem to be par for the course for moms who are also writers. My family needs me--and it doesn't matter whether I had a good morning with my novel, or a bad one--they need me regardless. No matter how frustrated and discouraged I get over my creative life, I still need to be available, both physically and emotionally, to my husband and children. Often it's hard to change hats from writer to mom and I feel like I'm letting everyone down--my family for being distracted by my writing, and myself for not pouring myself into the writing as completely as I think I should.

It's all so spiky and slippery.

Sometimes I wonder why I put myself through this and wish I could be satisfied solely with my role as a wife and mother. But I need to write--it gives more than it takes.

So I'm stuck with trying to balance on a pointed squiggle.

It's not easy, but I can't imagine living any other way.

Surrey!

Last weekend I was lucky enough to attend the Surrey International Writers' Conference in Surrey, British Columbia near Vancouver. It was fabulous! This is the second time I've attended the conference (the first was two years ago) and both times I learned so much. It has such a positive atmosphere and I love being surrounded by so many other writers.

One of my goals this trip was to pitch my book. I met with four different literary agents, and three of them requested more from me when the manuscript is ready. (The fourth said she'd be interested in reading more as long as the story had a "women's fiction" bent to it, which I'm not sure it does.) I was happy to hear that my idea intrigued them, but I'm not counting any chickens. It's all good and well to have an interesting concept for a novel, but if the writing isn't up to par, it doesn't matter how great the premise is. Still I'm glad they liked what they heard. It's another baby step forward!

Some random observations from my trip:

When you miss your initial flight, the airline wipes your whole itinerary. Yes, even the flights of your return trip. (Which is why I had to wake up at 3:45 on Monday morning, and got to spend five hours in the Seattle airport trying to catch a connection home.)

Boy, those hands-free cell phones make people look bizarre! I must have seen ten different people, walking through various airports, talking away to no one, cyborg-like electronic devices clipped to their ears. Too weird!

Why is it so difficult to trigger the motion sensor on those knob-less faucets in public bathrooms (or washrooms, as they say in Canada)? I felt like I was constantly waving at the sink, trying to get its attention.

What could be cooler than sitting in a room with 20 or so other people and listening to three well-known authors (Diana Gabaldon, Jack Whyte, and Michael Slade) read from their own work? Not much!

As great as it is to be away from home, immersed in the writing world, it's even greater to come home!

All before sunrise...

4:30 AM

Beep, beep, beep...beep, beep, beep...beep, beep, beep. My watch alarm already? It's dark. I'm sleepy. But I get up anyway.

4:31 AM

"MEOW! MEOW!" Bristle's hungry. I try to finish up in the bathroom as quick as I can so she doesn't wake Scott.

4:45 AM

The cats are crunching away at their bowl. My coffee and oatmeal sit steaming next to the computer. I press the power button and flip open the print-out of my manuscript to where I left off.

4:50 AM

The computer is booted up and the document is now open on the screen. I start keying in the edits I've marked on the print-out. I flip back a few pages to check on something and see a sentence that doesn't read very well—awkward wording and vague, lazy description. Shit! I thought this part was in pretty good shape already. I start tweaking the language, trying to get it to flow better.

4:52 AM

I'm still struggling with the part I thought I'd finished already. I have no idea how to improve it. Fear and insecurity make every word seem like gibberish. Who am I kidding, anyway? It's all crap. I've been spinning my wheels for months, no years and this stinking heap of ineptitude is all I've managed to come up with. (And now I'm ending my thoughts in prepositions! Some writer!)

What's sad is people I know are actually excited to read this! It's going to be so embarrassing when they see how much it sucks. I spend a minute feeling sorry for them because I know they'll worry about sparing my feelings. Poor souls.

4:53 AM

I finally figure out how to fix the sentence that's been torturing me. Thank god! Now I flip back to where I started and try to stay focused on the words themselves without getting overwhelmed by everything else.

4:59 AM

I'm clipping along pretty well—able to float down the wordstream on the page, not worrying anymore, almost too engrossed to notice I’m not worrying anymore.

5:00 AM

"MOOMMMYYYY! MOOOMMMYYY!"

Kyle. He’s not supposed to be up until six, although I usually hear from him earlier. Not this early, however. I dash back to his room before he wakes up anyone else.

“My nose doesn’t feel right,” he says. His consonants are thick with congestion.

“Oh, are you stuffed-up? Would you like a Kleenex?” He nods and rubs at his droopy eyes.

I sprint to the kitchen and the Kleenex box, consider bringing back the whole box so he’ll be less likely to ask (no yell) for more in 10 minutes, but then a premonition hits—the floor of Kyle’s room, littered with thick clouds of delicate white tissue paper. I pull out three sheets instead, and return to his bed.

“Here you go, Honey.”

“Thanks.” He swipes the tissue across his nose and curls up on his side with his eyes closed.

“Try to go back to sleep, okay?”

“Okay,” he mumbles.

I cover him up and tip toe out, closing the door as softly as I can. Usually if he wakes up any time after four in the morning, he’s up for the day. But he was acting so sleepy, maybe he’ll go back to sleep this time…. I decide to be optimistic.

5:05-5:29 AM

I’m working, editing page after page. My critical voice is only whispering now, and I’m able to ignore her most of the time.

5:30 AM

"MOOMMMYYYY! MOOOMMMYYY!"

Kyle again. I race back.

“I don’t want to lie here anymore. I want to get up.”

“I’m sorry, Sweets. It’s not six yet.”

“But I don’t want to lie he-“

"MOOMMMYYYY! MOOOMMMYYY!"

It’s Kara this time.

“Just a second, Honey,” I tell Kyle. “I’ll be right back.”

I zip to Kara’s room and open the door.

“I need to go to the baaathrooom!” she sings out in her best Larry the cucumber imitation.

“Okay,” I say holding the door open for her.

“Didn’t you hear how I told you?” she asks, disappointed I didn’t chuckle over her Larry impersonation.

“Yup, just like Larry!” I try to sound cheerful, but it’s not even 5:40 yet and I should be editing right now instead of playing bathroom escort.

Kara, bless her, quickly does what she needs to do and returns to bed without a fuss.

“Can I read until six?” she asks.

“Sure!” I answer, then turn on the light, close the door, and head back to Kyle’s room

“I need to go to the bathroom!” he announces in his normal voice, apparently not in the mood for Larry.

Déjà vu.

I escort Kyle to the bathroom so he can use the facilities and then march him back to his room.

“Can I go in Kara’s room?”

“No.”

“Can I play in here?”

I pause, considering. Technically he’s supposed to stay lying in his bed until six. But if I let him play, I’m less likely to hear another round of "MOOMMMYYYY! MOOOMMMYYY!"

“Okay.” I nod. He beams.

5:40-5:59 AM

I’m editing, but also listening for trouble or cries for assistance from either of the two back bedrooms. Miraculously, all stays quiet and I finish up page 50.

I've now edited 50 pages! Yay! Only 400 more to go! Crap.

6:00 AM

Kara and Kyle come skipping out, happy that six has arrived at last. I’m less than happy. In fact, I’m many things and happy is not one of them. I’m frustrated about the editing, worried that the manuscript sucks, irritated that despite doing my best to carve out some uninterrupted time, I still get interrupted.

And I’m guilty about feeling irritated. After all, these are my precious children who need me, whom I love so much simply thinking about how much I love them makes me wince. I shouldn’t let myself get irritated.

6:01 AM

I swallow my frustration, irritation, and guilt; save the file; turn off the computer; smile; and start making breakfast.

This is fun!

Cindy correctly pointed out that I needed to change the name of my blog. Renee, write! Finish that novel! doesn't work any more! :o), so I decided to revamp the whole thing. I'm not sure if I like this layout or not, but it certainly gives a different feel. I wish I knew more about html code so I could do more customizations.

And here is a new picture. Not super flattering, but since this blog is mostly about writing, I thought it made sense to do a writing picture (FYI, the pic was taken by my sister in the Maui airport on the way home from our trip this summer.)

I'm editing away. Currently about 75 pages into the manuscript. I'm enjoying the process and am trying not too worry so much about getting everything perfect. Susan posted a link to an Elizabeth Bear essay that I think of often when I'm panicking because I can't get the words just right. It's helping me not obsess quite as much.

I'm cutting where I can, but am nervous that I won't be able to shave enough off to make it marketable. Publishers don't typically like long first novels. It's tricky, though, because I don't want to cut just for the sake of cutting. There definitely is some superfluous writing I can ax, and fortunately I don't have a hard time pressing that delete button.

Things continue to move right along, and it feels great!

Guess what?

I just finished my novel.

I did it! I'm sitting here stunned, and proud, and in a state of extreme disbelief.

I wrote a novel.

I did it.

I DID IT!!!

Here's another teeny, tiny blog entry...

...but I wanted to pop in here real quick and share. I'm three pages from the end and am having a difficult time editing because what's going on in the scene is so exciting it's hard to focus on the text!

Pretty cool, huh?

Preschool has started!!!

Today's entry is microscopic, because I don't want to squander this precious editing time, but I just had to share...

Preschool has started again!

Hooray!

I don't know why, but I'll take it!

Finally, a good editing session. Why is it that sometimes I'm filled with anxiety--so scared I can barely put two words together, and other days I'm not? This morning, for whatever reason, fear did not dominate me.

It was such a relief.

I have trouble with faith. How many times have I had these cycles in confidence when it comes to writing? I'd go back to the beginning of this blog and count, but it'd be too way too depressing and embarrassing. The thing is, I always come out of the low phases, but when I'm stuck, it's so difficult to believe that the words will ever flow again.

Today they did. Why, I don't know. But it was fun again.

Phew!