The Everyday Athlete

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I've been stumped for blog topics and it shows.

When I started blogging, I needed motivation and a place to express the enormous pile of writing-related angst steaming inside of me. Well, thankfully motivation is now ingrained, the angst has dwindled, and anything I can think of to say about either, I've already said, and much more melodramatically than what I would come up with now.

That's good. I don't want to be filled with anxiety and unable to get myself to do what I want to do. I'm glad that I've moved on from where I was at the beginning of this blog, but it sure has left me at a loss when it comes to new entries.

Basically, I'm still editing, and there isn't a lot to say about it really. Same old, same old.

But today I came across a blog that reminded me of the power of writing and the ability to set down a story in a moving, engaging way. This isn't a "writing blog", but it's a fabulous example of good writing and what it can do. Plus it's about challenging oneself to set goals that might seem out of reach...at first.

Beautifully written and very inspiring.

The Everyday Athlete

Check it out!

Coffee: Part 2

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Here's a new post to bump my musings on grout and mildew from the top of the page.

Way back when I started this blog, I discovered a magic liquid that helped to make my extremely early mornings possible.

Coffee

Last week I received a magic machine in the mail that makes me happily get up as soon as my alarm or Dixie wakes me up.

The Senseo.

A friend told me about a link where I could get one for $15. In exchange, I was supposed to tout it to all of my friends. The ethics of the whole thing made me a little nervous, since I didn't know if I'd like the Senseo enough to sing its praises, but I didn't need to worry, because the Senseo is awesome! In 2 minutes I get a delicious cup of coffee with this yummy layer of foam on top. It reminds me of the coffee I had at the hotel where we stayed in Barcelona. So easy to make and so good! If you like coffee, but don't need a whole pot of the stuff at a time, check it out.

Hmmm...which is better on top, a post about grout or what's basically an ad?

I'm not sure, but either way I should probably get something else up here soon!

Scrubbing Grout

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The other day when I was cleaning my bathroom it occurred to me that cleaning the grout in the shower is similar to editing a manuscript.

With a shower, you start scrubbing at the mildew and soap scum and feel like you're making progress, but as you clean the dirtiest, most obvious parts, the less dirty, but still problematic strips of grout become more noticeable. So you tackle those, get them all clean and white, and then the areas that weren't quite as bad, but still aren't perfect rear up their ugly heads.

I'm guessing that eventually the grout in the whole shower could be gleaming and pristine (I don't know for sure, because I've never had enough shower-cleaning enthusiasm to get it that way), but it's incredibly frustrating because it takes SO LONG and there's so much grout to scrub and unless you took a picture of what the shower looked like originally, it's hard to see your progress, so you feel like you are scrubbing and scrubbing and not getting anywhere.

Same with a manuscript. You read through it, clean up the darkest, most obviously, mildewed parts, but when you've gotten those straightened out, new areas that need work become obvious. Rinse, repeat ad nauseam!

I'm still editing, and unfortunately there's still some mildew to scrub.

But, and here's where I get positive, the stained grout of my manuscript all has to do with the writing, the story continues to feel clean and sparkling. It's another reason why I want to get the wording in good shape. I like this story so much, and I want it to shine through.

So I'm forging ahead, feeling both discouraged and optimistic. But with a lot of scrubbing, I'm hopeful that the manuscript will finally be ready to go out before too long.

I don't need a snooze button...

...because I have Dixie.

See sometimes I get up right away--as soon as my alarm goes off at 4:26. But other mornings, I'm slow to wake up so Dixie helps me. Mostly she peers into my face and meows to remind me that though she's waited very patiently throughout the night, it's time for me to get my lazy self out of bed and make sure that her food bowl is filled to an adequate level. If the meowing alone doesn't do it, she's been known to sit on my chest and meow right in my ear until I respond.

It's annoying and cute (if you're a cat person) and certainly effective.

And to update, the editing is progressing slowly but steadily. I'm glad to be doing it, however. The story is becoming tighter and more focused and that will only help once I return to query land.

Hold off on the hitting for a little longer, okay?

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Okay. Here's the deal. I started working on some new queries, and then received some feedback on my manuscript from a writer friend (who comments on this blog from time to time :o), which rang so true, I decided to go through the whole thing and edit it once again.

The good news about that is I don't have to do the queries...for a while, anyway!

The bad news is that I thought I'd finished editing. But I want my story to be as strong as it can be. It doesn't make sense to send out a manuscript if it's not ready.

So, it's going to be a little longer before I need that query kick in the butt.

I'll let you know when the time comes!

Hit me or something

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I need a big kick in the rear! I've got to get some more queries out, and I'm just not doing it.

I've had encouraging responses to my earlier submissions, and need to keep trying!

There's no reason not to, so what's keeping me from it?

• Fear.


• Insecurity.


• The fact that submitting seems to severely hamper my ability to do new writing.

Okay, I guess I do have a few reasons. But they're pretty lame reasons; they shouldn't stop me.

I've used this blog before to get my act in gear. Something about declaring my intentions publically seems to make a difference. So I'm going to see if it helps with the query process.

I will send out more queries. Oh yes. I will send out more queries.*




*Picture Wayne Campbell saying this as he rubs his hands together intently, and you'll know the tone I'm going for here.

Happy Groundhog Day!

Did he see his shadow where you live? Don't know here yet. It's still dark!

Unfortunately the official groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil, did see his shadow, which means 6 more weeks of winter. Wah!

Good writing weather, at least.

I just spent far too long trying to find a groundhog photo to add to this entry, but I give up! Instead here's a link to Phil's official page, which is Groundhog.org of course.

Embarrassing Admission

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I've been listening to Justin Timberlake lately while I write.

It helps somehow.

Yes, I know I am a 37-year-old woman with two kids.

But it helps, OKAY?!?!

I'm hoping I haven't lost any friends over this. Please don't lose all respect for me! (Wyo, I'm talking to you! ;o)

Oooh, "SexyBack" is coming up next on my play list! That's a good one!

It *is* possible!

---

She posted weeks ago about this, but since I've been a slacker, lately, when it comes to reading blogs, I only read about it today.

Susan Adrian has an agent!

Isn't that terrific! I'm so excited for her. :o)

(And it's also inspired me to send out another round of submissions!)

Congratulations, Susan!

2008

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In lots of ways, 2007 was a great year. I finished my book, went on two amazing trips, and became an auntie again. There's nothing to complain about, and lots to celebrate and appreciate.

On the writing front, however, I'm in a low place. Part of the reason is that I'm still not sure what I should write. I feel called to write the sequel to my first book. That's the story I can see right now. But I'm scared to work on it because the acceptance of the first book is so uncertain. Writing a sequel doesn't make a lot of sense if the first book doesn't sell.

I wish something different would ask me to write it, but so far, except for the short story I wrote a couple months ago, nothing has grabbed me. There are lots of ideas whirling around my imagination, but none have taken hold. The story for the sequel is too compelling.

So I think I need to write the second book, even though it might not make the most practical sense right now. But I've never approached writing fiction from a calculated, practical place. Instead, I've tried to trust that the story won't let me down, and let it tell itself, through me. That was easier to do when it was just the story and me. Now it's me and the story and the agents. Big, fat, YIKES!

But as I'm constantly telling my kids, it's important to be grateful for what you have, instead of constantly pining for what you don't. I have a book to submit to agents--something I worked for for years. I know I can find stories, and connect to them, and set them down in a readable way. I have supportive friends and family. Aside from this current writing low, I have NOTHING to complain about. In my personal life, things are great.

And if I had a choice between creating something I didn't connect strongly with, even if it was snapped up right away; and writing a story that takes over my imagination and amazes and surprises me, even if it takes awhile to be appreciated by the pros, I'd choose the compelling story and the strong connection. No question at all.

Whew! I guess I do know what I should be writing.

Happy 2008, everyone! (Instead of "everyone" I should probably just say Cindy and wyo. :o) Hope you have a terrific year!

There is no right

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I have good girl disease. I'm a rule follower. I like to do things right.

Want an example? In the parking lot at my kids' school there is a lane that's marked in bright yellow spray paint "Buses Only". This lane takes you right up to the front of the school; it's certainly the most convenient. Plus it's free of speed bumps. Lots of other parents use the "Buses Only" lane, but I never do. Even in the middle of the school day when there's no chance a bus might appear. Even if I have to go up to the school on a Saturday.

That yellow spray paint says "Buses Only" and I drive a Ford Explorer, not a bus. Obviously the right thing to do is to stick to the slower, more inconvenient, speed bump infested option.

When I was pregnant each time, I did that right. I followed the rules. I never drank. Never took so much as a Tylenol. I slept on my left side. I never took a hot bath. I wouldn't stand near the microwave when it was running. All the things you were supposed to do, I did.

I like to do what I'm supposed to do.

But lately I've started to think that trying to be right all the time is causing me a lot of unnecessary mental anguish--especially when it comes to writing.

Sure there are mountains of writing rules one can try to follow. Check out all of those writing books and web sites and you'll find lots of rules that good writers are supposed to adhere to*. Here are a few, just off the top of my head:

• Minimize the use of adverbs.


• Use "said" instead of "interjected" or "exclaimed" or even better don't use any dialogue tags at all. If you're doing it "right" the reader should know who is speaking without you having to tell them.


• In fact don't tell anything: Show don't tell, right?

But what's frustrating when one is a rule follower is that those writing rules are broken all the time. Pick up virtually any book out there and you'll see examples of writing that doesn't follow the rules.

I've been pulling my hair out trying to write the right way, and there is no right way.

How did I realize this? I just finished Stephenie Meyer's Twilight, and I loved it. I gobbled it down in one day, I was so riveted. But Meyer doesn't always follow the writing rules. Actually, she breaks them regularly.

And what's worse in my mind, her story doesn't follow my own personal code for what's right. Her heroine is drawn to someone profoundly dangerous. In fact her heroine is just plain weak in lots of ways. She's rescued time and time again by a someone who's all wrong for her. Her life is literally in danger from being with this guy, but she doesn't care. She'd die for love.

Ugh! As a teen, I'd have bought that "love is worth anything" premise without hesitating. But now that I'm old and jaded and cynical I know that love is NOT worth anything. Still I tore through the book and can't wait to read the next in the series.

But it wasn't right. So why did I enjoy it so much?

Maybe because art can't be quantified by a list of rules. Maybe because when it comes to creativity there is no right.

I think I'm chasing my tail and torturing myself over something that doesn't exist. I've been convinced that if I try hard enough I should be able to write the right way. But there is no right. What works for one person is not going to work for someone else. I know I've said that before, but I hadn't connected it to my all-consuming need to be right all of the time.

There is no right. There is no right.

I'm going to keep saying that to myself, and I hope eventually, it will sink in!


______________________
* In case you're wondering about whether or not it's right to end a sentence with "adhere to", most of the time it's fine to end sentences with prepositions. Check out this article if you don't believe me!

Evidence of my distraction

aka: The Aftermath






Writers are supposed to avoid clichés, but I'm too tired from Thanksgiving to muster up the energy to say anything other than...







A picture's worth a thousand words!











So here are three pictures to make up for the three thousand words I haven't written lately and to explain why I haven't had time to write them.










Guess I'd better wrap this up and head back to the kitchen...

(sigh)

Concise is nice, right?

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This will be another brief entry. (How can it be Friday again already?!)

Cindy mentioned in her comment to my last post that sometimes amazing things come from writing even when you're uninspired.

That happens to me regularly!

So I've had to force myself to work a couple of times this week (which has turned out to be even busier than I thought), but even so, the story has moved in a really interesting direction.

I love it when that happens!

The kids and I are going away for the weekend, then they are off school all next week, and I'm hosting a T-giving dinner for 10 people at my house on Thursday, so I'm not expecting to make a lot of progress in the near future. But I'm going to sit down every day regardless. Even if I don't make my 1000 word a day goal every day, any progress is better than none. And who knows what will crop up? If I make myself sit down and do it, I know progress will be made somehow!

It's Friday, so I have to blog about something!

---

For some reason, all of my recent entries have been on Fridays. I'm not sure why that is, but now posting on Friday feels compulsory. So here I am even though I don't feel particularly inspired.

Please bear that in mind as you read the three scattered thoughts to follow.

1. The 1000-word-a-day plan is going well--although the next few weeks are rife with school holidays and minimum days so I will have more mom-responsibilities than usual and it might be difficult to stay on track.


2. The story is coming together. I still have a lot of unanswered questions, but I feel pretty confident (most of the time) that I'll find the answers eventually.


3. I think the nice thing about having a word count goal is that it keeps you working, even when you don't feel like writing--even when you're uninspired. Hey! That's kind of like having a must-blog-on-Fridays policy!

So there you have it! Uninspired and compulsory, but also done!

See you next Friday!

The Plan

My new approach is twofold:

1. Write 1000 words a day--even on days where I don't have a lot of time, like the weekends. I'll get up early to write as usual, and squeeze the rest of the words in during the day. I've managed to get 1000 new words written every day this week, except for Halloween, which was super busy, so I only managed 500.

2. On the days when I do have more time, after I've gotten my 1000 done, I'll revise what I've already written. Some writers can keep going forward on a first draft without revising, but I don't think I have it in me to write only SFD. Plus I enjoy revising (most of the time) and trying to get my wording just right.

At first, I worried that at an 1000-word a day pace, I wouldn't be able to keep up with the revising. But so far it hasn't been a problem. That might change later in the month. The kids have a lot of days off in November.

But regardless, I'm making much better progress than I was, so for now, I'd say this new approach is working well for me.

And since this has to be my most boring blog entry ever (and that's saying something!), I'm going to close with a quote and a link.

My daughter's class is reading Laura Ingals Wilder's Little House on the Prairie. One of the assignments contained this passage:

When Laura peeked out from behind the slab again, both Indians were looking straight at her. Her heart thumped into her throat and choked her with its pounding. Two black eyes glittered down into her eyes. The Indian did not move, not one muscle of his face moved. Only his eyes shone and sparkled at her.

Isn't that great? I love the language: simple and understandable but also unique and incredibly descriptive.

And here's the link, which has nothing to do with fiction, but I'm throwing it out here anyway:

1977 JC Penney Catalog

Prepare to be amused!

Cheetah Girl

I'm going to become a cheetah: strong, and fleet, and focused.

What is Renée babbling about now?

Last year I wrote a rather negative post about my struggles with finding enough time to write and trying to balance the pulls of motherhood against my desire to write my story. In response, the amazingly talented (and now bestselling author!) Vicki Pettersson recommended I check out Lynn Viehl's e-book, The Way of the Cheetah. I did and it was SO helpful.

Viehl recommends that one write like a Cheetah on the hunt--keep your eye on your prey and pursue it with a single-minded determination.

Lately I've been writing more like a sea anemone: sitting in one place, my appendages outstretched and waving, hoping little bits of food will find their way into my mouth.

My situation now is so different than where I was last year. Now I have more time--not the hours and hours a day I imagined I'd have once both of my kids were in school, but much more time than ever before. But instead of squeezing every bit of productivity I can out of my day, I've been slower, lazier, spoiled by the thought of all of those hours available to me, and more likely to put writing off since I can always write later.

But if you don't write now because you can write later, you won't get much done

So I'm going to be a cheetah and set a new, ambitious productivity goal--one that I couldn't have met last year, but can now because I do have more time. I'm not going to screw around anymore; I'm going to take advantage of the extra time and get busy.

I'm not brave enough yet to post the goal here--I've still got to get used to the idea. But expect to hear more about this soon!

Missing BC

This weekend is the Surrey International Writers' Conference in Surrey, BC. I went in 2004 and 2006, but I'm not going this year. It is a fabulous event--the presenters are first-rate and just by attending you get to have one-on-one, face-to-face meetings both to have your work critiqued as well as to pitch your ideas.

I had incredible experiences both times I went and am a little blue not to be going this year. It's so much fun and so inspiring!

Something New

I finished a short story!

I'd been feeling so stuck with Book 2 and an idea for a short story popped into my head so I decided to see where it would take me. It relates to my first novel, but neither story nor book depend on each other. It's also written in a very different voice than I've used before. What a blast to think as someone so far removed from myself.

I love finishing! When writing novels, you don't get to finish very often. But having a complete story--something I can share with other people--feels great! Maybe I'll have to write more short things. If nothing else, switching gears might help me get through those seemingly inevitable rough patches in the novel writing process.

Now I'm ready to get back on track with Book 2. I'm hoping this diversion was exactly what I needed to immerse myself in that world once more.

"It's not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer. Charlotte was both."

--E.B. White, Charlotte's Web

I had a fabulous conversation today with someone who’s both a true friend and a good writer. We talked about stories and characters and where they come from. I told her about how I got started on my novel, and the spark that inspired me to begin. This small kernel of an idea grew and became more complex and rich and interesting as I was writing.

Basically you don’t have to know what’s going to happen in a story before getting started. You don’t even have to know much about your characters. You can find them and learn all sorts of interesting things about them as you write. It’s such a freeing realization, that you don’t need to know everything about your story before you start, or even more than just the tiniest tidbit. Most of it you can find along the way.

It was so great to talk to her about all of that because I had forgotten how babyish those initial steps were for me four plus years ago when I began writing fiction. It helped so much to remember how slowly I started. I think one of the reasons I’ve been so paralyzed lately is that I’ve been thinking about the whole of book two, instead of taking it step by baby step like I did with book one.

I don’t have to know much about what’s going to happen in this second book. I'll find it as I go.

She can too, and I can't wait to read what she discovers!

Process Juggling

So I'm submitting my first book, beginning book 2, and hoping not to explode into a cloud of anxiety in the meantime.

Trying to find an agent is both terrifying, and strangely exciting. There's an element about it of taking a deep breath and stepping off a cliff. I can't think about what's really happening too much, I just have to do it. But paradoxically, I also have to pay close attention to all of the details because they need to be perfect. So I'm in an odd place of trying to detatch emotionally from what I'm doing, while at the same time really focusing on it. No wonder I'm a little scattered right now!

Because of the frightening nature of the submitting process, I'm having some trouble diving into book 2. You see, in the early drafting phases of a story, I have to play a lot of mind games with myself because often what initially emerges from my brain and lands on the screen is...shall we say...less than perfect. It's usually quite bad, in fact. So knowing that my writing has to be darn good for an agent to want to take me on, makes it hard for me to let go and be bad in the drafting phase. I can't forget that what I'm writing is eventually going to be read, because right now I'm sending out something I've written to be read by people who are evaluating it! My stomach sinks, just typing the words! True, the writing the agents are reading is different writing, but tell that to my anxious thoughts. They are having trouble differentiating.

But as I mentioned in my last entry, I realize I need to write and be creative. It helps me handle everything. Something about that creative outlet brings me peace. So while in some ways, the new writing adds to my nervousness, it also helps reduce it.

Yeah, that doesn't really make sense, even to me!

I am a writer

Why do I feel so sheepish declaring it? I am. I've recently realized that I need to write for my emotional health. Sure it can be difficult, but it's something worthwhile to stress about. I'd much rather agonize over a problem in a story I'm creating, or getting my language just right, than the laundry or my grimy floors.

My kids are both in school now, so I have more time. I'm going to take advantage of it. I've started my second novel, and my first is going out to agents.

I really am a writer. Maybe someday I'll feel comfortable saying so.

Rats!

I wanted to post more to my blog, but it's been over a week and I still haven't gotten back to it. Ugh!

And there's no time right now to compose a new entry, but in the spirit of putting up something, I thought I'd post a link to an article I read recently that relates to one of my 7 "random" facts. Timely don't you think? Check out the ad at the bottom. Doesn't exactly match the article's content!

Be back soon, I hope!

;P










(Oh and in keeping with the theme of this entry, the kids are I are going to see Ratatouille this afternon!)

Update and some not exactly random facts

So, I haven't stopped writing, I've just stopped blogging. But wyo tagged me, and I remembered: I have a blog! Maybe I should get back to it.

However, since I've found a way to deal with all of the emotion and angst I used to describe here, I'm not sure what to blog about. I'll have to put some thought into it.

But, first things first: here's an update. I finished editing the beta version of my novel in May. Three incredibly-generous-with-their-time friends read/are reading the manuscript, and I'm now incorporating their comments. I still haven't heard from one person, but the two who have responded said (*blush*) that they really liked it. Nice to hear. Okay, who am I kidding...it was GREAT to hear! So the time to send the manuscript out to literary agents is approaching. :o)

Now on to wyo's tag. 7 random facts. Hmm...random. How can one consciously think randomly? Wouldn't you have to choose many facts first, say 100 or so, and then randomly select 7 of them? Sorry, I'm not going to do that. Coming up with 7 is going to be tough enough.

Anyway, without further ado, here are the first 7 facts about me that popped into my head just now (and that I am willing to share publicly).

1. I can tie the stem of a cherry into a knot, using only my mouth. It is an innate ability, which I didn't know I had until I was around 20 and tried to do it for the first time. Bet you didn't know I was so talented!

2. I hate eating popsicles. I can't stand popsicle sticks. Something about them give me the creeps. And the thought of chewing on one (which I realize is not a necessary part of the popsicle-eating experience) is horrifying. It's like nails on a chalkboard to me, and I have no idea why.

3. I like rats. Well not wild rats, but pet rats. My kids have two and they are so sweet and friendly, with such cute personalities. Several times last year when I walked my daughter to school, I brought the rats, who sat on my shoulder or hid underneath my sweatshirt. I'm not sure if any of the other parents noticed since I was avoiding eye contact and trying to decide if carrying two rats on the walk to school made me a cool mom or just a weirdo!

4. I have a very young-sounding voice. I'm 37 and sometimes when I answer the phone people still ask me if they can talk to my mom or dad. My daughter's gymnastics teacher thought I was her when he called our house. She was 7 at the time.

5. I went to Australia in May. My husband and my kids didn't go; it was just me and my dad. I loved Australia and I loved having that one on one time with my dad, but I hated being so far from my family for so long. Although, I did read more books over those 10 days than I had in months!

6. I went to Europe in June. Yes, I'm not kidding. I left for that trip 9 days after coming back from Australia. This time the whole family went. It was an amazing experience. We cruised the Mediterranean on The Voyager of the Seas. This was my first time on a cruise and my first time visiting Europe. I highly recommend both.

7. International travel is not typical for me--I swear! Although considering facts 5 and 6, it might not seem that way!

Okay, now who to tag.... I'm supposed to tag 7 people. Do I know 7 people who blog? I don't think so. So I'll go with 3.

• Cindy, because even after all this time, she still remembers me!


• Susan, since I have such fond memories of our ride back to the airport together after Surrey, plus I was thinking about her the other day when I drove past the exit that leads to the town where she grew up.


• And Karenna, since the last time I had to tag someone, I tagged her and she wasn't blogging then, but she's blogging now!

That's the best I can do--but it's better than nothing, right?

Oh, and can I say I hate this new version of blogger's spell check? Talk about not user friendly!

No, I mean it! I swear I'm still here!

I finally figured out how to make the switch to Google and the new blogger. Things are rolling along, and I'll post a new entry about my latest goings-on in a day or two.

No really!

I promise!

I'm still here!

So why is it that I've seemingly abandoned my blog?

Is it that I've stopped work on my novel?

Nope. I've edited over 200 pages and am still working steadily.

I think it's because of The Artists's Way. Every morning I write three pages about whatever's rattling around in my head, including my thoughts on the writing process. The morning pages have helped me deal with my writing-related fears and so I haven't had much to blog about. Guess I need to come up with a new theme for Pointed Squiggle. I am finding a balance and feel much more at peace about pretty much everything. Amazing, huh?

Right now I'm editing the 5th 50-page chunk of my manuscript. This is the trickiest chunk by far since the story here has a couple of holes I've been trying to figure out how to fill. I think I've got it worked out, though and once I have this section nailed, I'm expecting the remaining chunks to go faster. As nutty as it is to admit, I should be ready to send the whole thing out before too long.

Wow!

Merry Christmas!

I survived reading deprivation week and I survived Christmas. Also, I handed out the 2nd 50 and am working away on the 3rd.

So, things are fine! But a dedicated, interesting blogger I have not been of late. Sorry! Thanks to anyone still bearing with me. I'll try to come up with something new here soon!

Happy 2007!

Reading Deprivation

As I mentioned a couple of entries ago, I'm doing a creativity program called The Artist's Way. Each week we're supposed to do exercises to help us become more creative. This week I'm not supposed to read. Anything.

I'm panicking!

I read so much. It's a huge part of my life. But I also know that one of the reasons I read is to block out my own thoughts. By depriving myself of other people's words and thoughts for a week, I should become more in tune with my own.

I don't want to do this. I can't imagine doing it. But I'm going to do it.

It means no reading on line either. So I'm going to un-plug.

See you next Saturday.

Ack!

I'm it and I didn't even know it!

Cindy tagged me, but it took me a couple of days to figure out what that meant. Whoops! Sorry about that. But better late than never, I suppose. So, without further ado, here are some of my thoughts on the Christmas season.

1. Eggnog or Hot Chocolate? Hot chocolate. Although my sister's eggnog lattés are pretty good too!

2. Does Santa wrap presents or just set them under the tree? Santa wraps everything--including the stocking gifts!

3. Colored lights on tree/house or white? We have colored twinkly lights on our tree, but white outside.

4. Do you hang mistletoe? Not usually.

5. When do you put your decorations up? We put some up the weekend after T-giving. We're doing the tree this weekend.

6. What is your favorite holiday dish? Stuffing. Yum!

7. Favorite Holiday memory as a child: Well, nothing as good as Cindy's pony! (Wow!) But I remember one Christmas my sister and I woke up around 4 in the morning and tiptoed out to see the tree. It was so exciting to see all of those presents. We were too jazzed to go back to sleep, so we lay in bed and listened to my Grandpa tell us stories to distract us until it was time to get up. He was an actor, and a great story teller and it was so much fun being up in the dark, with presents only a couple of hours away, listening.

8. When and how did you learn the truth about Santa? I asked my mom point blank when I was five, and she told me the truth. Both of my kids (ages 7 and 5) still believe, and I wish they would ask so I can finally tell them and stop feeling so torn between the fun and magic of perpetuating the myth, and the guilt I feel about lying to them.

9. Do you open a gift on Christmas Eve? When I was a kid--never. Everything was on Christmas. But now we celebrate Christmas Eve at my husband's grandma's house and open presents there.

10. How do you decorate your Christmas Tree? There's no theme, and it's certainly not designer. Our tree is covered with a hodgepodge of ornaments from my childhood and ones we've accumulated since we were married. I think our tree always turns out beautifully, but it wouldn't win any awards!

11. Snow! Love it or Dread it? Love it because we don't have to live with it! It doesn't snow often here, and when it does, it doesn't last for more than a few hours. We live close enough to the mountains that we can easily go visit the snow whenever we feel like playing in it!

12. Can you ice skate? It's been years, but I think I could still make it around a rink. I've never ice-skated on a frozen pond, but I'd love to do that someday.

13. Do you remember your favorite gift? Hmm--I don't think I could pick just one. My ten-speed bike when I was seven was very exciting, as was my Walkman when I was 13. Recently, it was probably the pendant that my husband had re-set with a diamond of my grandmother's that had been on a very old fashioned pin, I never wore. It's beautiful and I loved that he thought to do that for me.

14. What's the most important thing about the Holidays for you? Sharing with family. I love the tradition of it all.

15. What is your favorite Holiday Dessert? Apple pie, alamode--although, I also love pumpkin pie. Usually, I have a sliver of each.

16. What is your favorite holiday tradition? Christmas Gift! It's hard to explain, but it's something my dad's side of the family does. The goal is to be the first person to say "Christmas Gift" on Christmas day to another member of the family. Basically, you want to remember to do it before they remember. Some years there's lots of plotting to distract the other person so they forget all about Christmas Gift and you can "get them" first.

17. What tops your tree? An angel ornament.

18. Which do you prefer: giving or receiving? Giving. (Really. Honest!)

19. What is your favorite Christmas Song? I have two. "Sleigh Ride" and "O Holy Night"

20. Candy Canes! Yuck or Yum? I used to like them a lot, but now they taste too sugary for me. Now fudge on the other hand, is not a problem!

I'm going to tag my dear friend wyo even though she certainly doesn't need me to give her a topic to blog about, and Karenna in the hopes that it might prompt her to post an update. :o)

Remember me?

Yikes! It's December 1. I didn't blog much in November, did I?

But I'm still progressing on my novel in my typical snail-like way. This morning I finished the outline! And I've patched all the holes in the plot...I think, anyway. Now I'm going to get back to editing.

A couple of new developments:

First of all I gave the first 50 pages to a few people. (It was weeks ago, but the problem with sporadic blogging is that things don't always get mentioned in a timely manner.) That was both scary and exciting. And now I've got several people clamoring for more! I'm going to continue to pass out the manuscript in 50 page chunks as I finish editing them.

Secondly, I started doing The Artist's Way. It's a 12 week program to help one become more creative. I think it's mostly geared toward blocked artists, who can't bring themselves to start creating, which isn't my problem. But I was hoping that it would help me deal with those darn fear-filled creative slumps I slog through so regularly. So far, I think it's helping. I'm definitely feeling more relaxed while I'm working.

So, that's where I am. :o)

(And I can now cross "update blog" off my list! Yay!)

Happy anniversary...

...to me!

One year ago today I started this blog.

I was having trouble staying motivated to finish my novel and hoped documenting my progress on line would help.

It sure did! :o)

Pointed Squiggle

What does it mean--Pointed Squiggle? I finally know. It's the surface on which I'm trying to balance--wiggly and jagged; unstable and sharp.

Not surprisingly, I've been floundering. The post-Surrey low has hit full-force.

Part of it is I had an extremely busy week following the conference--filled with meetings, school projects, and birthday planning. (Kyle turned five last week! How is that possible?) Throughout it all, I woke up early to write, but most of the week was jam packed with an overwhelming heap of other responsibilities.

And part of my problem is I decided to switch gears and [shudder] outline my novel.

I'm not an outliner. Many writers use them, but I never have. As I explained in earlier blog entries, I enjoy the process of discovery that occurs during the writing process. I love to experience the story as I'm writing it and I don't think I could plan it all out before I start, because I need the act of writing in order to create.

But now I'm trying to make sure the story is tightly written and includes nothing boring or unnecessary. I expected the extraneous parts to jump out at me as I read the manuscript, but I kept getting distracted by the language and found it hard to focus on the big picture. I'm hoping an outline will help me see where the story (as opposed to the writing) needs work. Also one of the agents I met at the conference asked me to send him a detailed outline, so it's something I need to do anyway. If it can help me through this stage of the process, all the better.

Still it's a task that I wasn't expecting and I can't help but feel like my progress has ground to a halt. I'm not editing, I'm outlining. My rational mind knows it's necessary, but my illogical side believes I'm slacking off somehow.

Then there are all those typical pulls and emotions, which seem to be par for the course for moms who are also writers. My family needs me--and it doesn't matter whether I had a good morning with my novel, or a bad one--they need me regardless. No matter how frustrated and discouraged I get over my creative life, I still need to be available, both physically and emotionally, to my husband and children. Often it's hard to change hats from writer to mom and I feel like I'm letting everyone down--my family for being distracted by my writing, and myself for not pouring myself into the writing as completely as I think I should.

It's all so spiky and slippery.

Sometimes I wonder why I put myself through this and wish I could be satisfied solely with my role as a wife and mother. But I need to write--it gives more than it takes.

So I'm stuck with trying to balance on a pointed squiggle.

It's not easy, but I can't imagine living any other way.

Surrey!

Last weekend I was lucky enough to attend the Surrey International Writers' Conference in Surrey, British Columbia near Vancouver. It was fabulous! This is the second time I've attended the conference (the first was two years ago) and both times I learned so much. It has such a positive atmosphere and I love being surrounded by so many other writers.

One of my goals this trip was to pitch my book. I met with four different literary agents, and three of them requested more from me when the manuscript is ready. (The fourth said she'd be interested in reading more as long as the story had a "women's fiction" bent to it, which I'm not sure it does.) I was happy to hear that my idea intrigued them, but I'm not counting any chickens. It's all good and well to have an interesting concept for a novel, but if the writing isn't up to par, it doesn't matter how great the premise is. Still I'm glad they liked what they heard. It's another baby step forward!

Some random observations from my trip:

When you miss your initial flight, the airline wipes your whole itinerary. Yes, even the flights of your return trip. (Which is why I had to wake up at 3:45 on Monday morning, and got to spend five hours in the Seattle airport trying to catch a connection home.)

Boy, those hands-free cell phones make people look bizarre! I must have seen ten different people, walking through various airports, talking away to no one, cyborg-like electronic devices clipped to their ears. Too weird!

Why is it so difficult to trigger the motion sensor on those knob-less faucets in public bathrooms (or washrooms, as they say in Canada)? I felt like I was constantly waving at the sink, trying to get its attention.

What could be cooler than sitting in a room with 20 or so other people and listening to three well-known authors (Diana Gabaldon, Jack Whyte, and Michael Slade) read from their own work? Not much!

As great as it is to be away from home, immersed in the writing world, it's even greater to come home!

All before sunrise...

4:30 AM

Beep, beep, beep...beep, beep, beep...beep, beep, beep. My watch alarm already? It's dark. I'm sleepy. But I get up anyway.

4:31 AM

"MEOW! MEOW!" Bristle's hungry. I try to finish up in the bathroom as quick as I can so she doesn't wake Scott.

4:45 AM

The cats are crunching away at their bowl. My coffee and oatmeal sit steaming next to the computer. I press the power button and flip open the print-out of my manuscript to where I left off.

4:50 AM

The computer is booted up and the document is now open on the screen. I start keying in the edits I've marked on the print-out. I flip back a few pages to check on something and see a sentence that doesn't read very well—awkward wording and vague, lazy description. Shit! I thought this part was in pretty good shape already. I start tweaking the language, trying to get it to flow better.

4:52 AM

I'm still struggling with the part I thought I'd finished already. I have no idea how to improve it. Fear and insecurity make every word seem like gibberish. Who am I kidding, anyway? It's all crap. I've been spinning my wheels for months, no years and this stinking heap of ineptitude is all I've managed to come up with. (And now I'm ending my thoughts in prepositions! Some writer!)

What's sad is people I know are actually excited to read this! It's going to be so embarrassing when they see how much it sucks. I spend a minute feeling sorry for them because I know they'll worry about sparing my feelings. Poor souls.

4:53 AM

I finally figure out how to fix the sentence that's been torturing me. Thank god! Now I flip back to where I started and try to stay focused on the words themselves without getting overwhelmed by everything else.

4:59 AM

I'm clipping along pretty well—able to float down the wordstream on the page, not worrying anymore, almost too engrossed to notice I’m not worrying anymore.

5:00 AM

"MOOMMMYYYY! MOOOMMMYYY!"

Kyle. He’s not supposed to be up until six, although I usually hear from him earlier. Not this early, however. I dash back to his room before he wakes up anyone else.

“My nose doesn’t feel right,” he says. His consonants are thick with congestion.

“Oh, are you stuffed-up? Would you like a Kleenex?” He nods and rubs at his droopy eyes.

I sprint to the kitchen and the Kleenex box, consider bringing back the whole box so he’ll be less likely to ask (no yell) for more in 10 minutes, but then a premonition hits—the floor of Kyle’s room, littered with thick clouds of delicate white tissue paper. I pull out three sheets instead, and return to his bed.

“Here you go, Honey.”

“Thanks.” He swipes the tissue across his nose and curls up on his side with his eyes closed.

“Try to go back to sleep, okay?”

“Okay,” he mumbles.

I cover him up and tip toe out, closing the door as softly as I can. Usually if he wakes up any time after four in the morning, he’s up for the day. But he was acting so sleepy, maybe he’ll go back to sleep this time…. I decide to be optimistic.

5:05-5:29 AM

I’m working, editing page after page. My critical voice is only whispering now, and I’m able to ignore her most of the time.

5:30 AM

"MOOMMMYYYY! MOOOMMMYYY!"

Kyle again. I race back.

“I don’t want to lie here anymore. I want to get up.”

“I’m sorry, Sweets. It’s not six yet.”

“But I don’t want to lie he-“

"MOOMMMYYYY! MOOOMMMYYY!"

It’s Kara this time.

“Just a second, Honey,” I tell Kyle. “I’ll be right back.”

I zip to Kara’s room and open the door.

“I need to go to the baaathrooom!” she sings out in her best Larry the cucumber imitation.

“Okay,” I say holding the door open for her.

“Didn’t you hear how I told you?” she asks, disappointed I didn’t chuckle over her Larry impersonation.

“Yup, just like Larry!” I try to sound cheerful, but it’s not even 5:40 yet and I should be editing right now instead of playing bathroom escort.

Kara, bless her, quickly does what she needs to do and returns to bed without a fuss.

“Can I read until six?” she asks.

“Sure!” I answer, then turn on the light, close the door, and head back to Kyle’s room

“I need to go to the bathroom!” he announces in his normal voice, apparently not in the mood for Larry.

Déjà vu.

I escort Kyle to the bathroom so he can use the facilities and then march him back to his room.

“Can I go in Kara’s room?”

“No.”

“Can I play in here?”

I pause, considering. Technically he’s supposed to stay lying in his bed until six. But if I let him play, I’m less likely to hear another round of "MOOMMMYYYY! MOOOMMMYYY!"

“Okay.” I nod. He beams.

5:40-5:59 AM

I’m editing, but also listening for trouble or cries for assistance from either of the two back bedrooms. Miraculously, all stays quiet and I finish up page 50.

I've now edited 50 pages! Yay! Only 400 more to go! Crap.

6:00 AM

Kara and Kyle come skipping out, happy that six has arrived at last. I’m less than happy. In fact, I’m many things and happy is not one of them. I’m frustrated about the editing, worried that the manuscript sucks, irritated that despite doing my best to carve out some uninterrupted time, I still get interrupted.

And I’m guilty about feeling irritated. After all, these are my precious children who need me, whom I love so much simply thinking about how much I love them makes me wince. I shouldn’t let myself get irritated.

6:01 AM

I swallow my frustration, irritation, and guilt; save the file; turn off the computer; smile; and start making breakfast.

This is fun!

Cindy correctly pointed out that I needed to change the name of my blog. Renee, write! Finish that novel! doesn't work any more! :o), so I decided to revamp the whole thing. I'm not sure if I like this layout or not, but it certainly gives a different feel. I wish I knew more about html code so I could do more customizations.

And here is a new picture. Not super flattering, but since this blog is mostly about writing, I thought it made sense to do a writing picture (FYI, the pic was taken by my sister in the Maui airport on the way home from our trip this summer.)

I'm editing away. Currently about 75 pages into the manuscript. I'm enjoying the process and am trying not too worry so much about getting everything perfect. Susan posted a link to an Elizabeth Bear essay that I think of often when I'm panicking because I can't get the words just right. It's helping me not obsess quite as much.

I'm cutting where I can, but am nervous that I won't be able to shave enough off to make it marketable. Publishers don't typically like long first novels. It's tricky, though, because I don't want to cut just for the sake of cutting. There definitely is some superfluous writing I can ax, and fortunately I don't have a hard time pressing that delete button.

Things continue to move right along, and it feels great!

Guess what?

I just finished my novel.

I did it! I'm sitting here stunned, and proud, and in a state of extreme disbelief.

I wrote a novel.

I did it.

I DID IT!!!

Here's another teeny, tiny blog entry...

...but I wanted to pop in here real quick and share. I'm three pages from the end and am having a difficult time editing because what's going on in the scene is so exciting it's hard to focus on the text!

Pretty cool, huh?

Preschool has started!!!

Today's entry is microscopic, because I don't want to squander this precious editing time, but I just had to share...

Preschool has started again!

Hooray!

I don't know why, but I'll take it!

Finally, a good editing session. Why is it that sometimes I'm filled with anxiety--so scared I can barely put two words together, and other days I'm not? This morning, for whatever reason, fear did not dominate me.

It was such a relief.

I have trouble with faith. How many times have I had these cycles in confidence when it comes to writing? I'd go back to the beginning of this blog and count, but it'd be too way too depressing and embarrassing. The thing is, I always come out of the low phases, but when I'm stuck, it's so difficult to believe that the words will ever flow again.

Today they did. Why, I don't know. But it was fun again.

Phew!

Floundering in a pile of...

I knew this would happen.

You might remember that I typically write scene by scene--I expel a first draft of crap, spend a copious amount of time revising and polishing it until the scene is in pretty good shape, then move on to the next one and start all over again. Scenes range in length from five to ten pages, and the longer ones are tougher because they take weeks sometimes to get just right.

You might also remember that I abandoned this scene by scene approach to push through to the end and finish the story. Which was thrilling while I was doing it, and very satisfying, but meant that I ended up with a gigantic pile of...okay I won't be crass this time...less-than stellar writing to revise.

When I typed my handwritten pile of you-know-what into the computer, it was 25 pages. Now, after editing it for the last couple of months [*gasp* Has it been that long?], it has grown to 37 pages--27 of which I've already edited and 10 more pages of dreck that still need to be revised and fine tuned. While I enjoy certain aspects of editing, I'm getting tired of only editing. One of the things I liked about the scene by scene approach is that I was able to flip-flop back and forth between editing and drafting. Lately I've missed the creative surprises that pop up regularly during the drafting phase.

Oh well. I'd better get used to editing. Once I finish these last scenes, I'll read through the whole manuscript to correct any inconsistencies and slash out everything unnecessary. (Did I mention it is over 500 pages?) Then I'll give it to a few wonderful, selfless people who've volunteered to be my beta readers, and I'll revise it again based on their comments. Once it's as perfect as I can make it, I'll start submitting it to literary agents, which if I'm lucky, will lead to many more edits and revisions as it makes its way through the publishing process.

So there's a lot of editing in my future. Which is kind of cool when you think about it! After all, I've been working to really hard to get to this exact point.

You know what? I'm going to stop complaining now, and get back to editing. It's really not that bad! ;o)

Balance

Please bear with the following stream-of-consciousness blogging... (It's all I'm up to at the moment.)

I've been struggling with balance lately. It's a chronic struggle--how to give enough attention to everything and not neglect anything.

For example, my daughter wants to be a Girl Scout. I was a Girl Scout growing up and loved it and I know my daughter would love it too. So, what's the problem? The waiting list for troops is so long, the only way she can be a Girl Scout is if I volunteer to be a leader and start up a new troop. But aren't I trying to finish a novel? If I take on something new, it'll be that much harder to squeeze in writing time. Still it would be fun to do Girl Scouts with my daughter. Before long she'll be grown and interested in other things and I don't want to miss out on what could be a wonderful experience with her. So I've sent in my leader application and will soon have one more thing to balance along with everything else.

Finding a balance has been especially tough recently for many reasons: We've done lots of traveling lately; School just started up again; There have been more than the usual number of distractions.

As a result, I've lost my writing focus. I find I'm an all or nothing sort of person. Moderation is not my strength. So, as my thoughts and energies have turned towards other areas of my life, my drive to write has weakened. And it's so easy to be distracted from the novel right now because I'm in the midst of a tough section. The end needs to be powerful and it takes a lot of effort to get it the way I want it. Not to mention my insecurity is poking up its ugly head yet again. Being almost done means the moment of truth is almost at hand. Others will be reading my novel in the near future.

Unless I let myself get so distracted I never finish.

No! I want to finish. Sure it's scary and difficult, but I've spent too much time and energy on this story. I won't cheat myself by wimping out at the end.

So, I'm going to put more energy into finding that balance. I want to finish my novel. I want to be available to my kids and family. It's got to be possible to do both, don't you think?







(If you managed to wade your way through this brain dump... thank you! I'll try to compose something more coherent soon.)

Links!

I've updated my links list at last: friends, other writers, good reading...it's all there. Oh and if you know anyone who is looking for an adoptive family, check out my sister and brother-in-law's web site. They are wonderful people!

On the writing front, I'm still editing those last scenes. My progress has stalled somewhat thanks to a kidney stone, which I had over the weekend, and a migraine, which I had Monday and Tuesday. But today I'm pain free and am hoping to make some good progress. Surprisingly, it's a lot easier to edit when one isn't in agony. Go figure!

There's nothing wrong with being earnest

Yesterday as I was googling, I came across this: The Process of Being Mentally Ill, Part One. It's from Joshilyn Jackson's blog: Faster Than Kudzu and describes, in extensive, witty detail, the mental breakdown stage of novel writing...at least from one author's perspective.

Read it. It's both comforting and hilarious at the same time.

Small world, the internet. Faster Than Kudzu is the first writer's blog I ever read. I came across it about 2 years ago when Jackson's first novel Gods in Alabama was about to be published. To be honest, her blog scared me away from writer's blogs for a long time. Why? My own insecurities of course! I found Faster Than Kudzu to be clever, entertaining, informative, and completely intimidating. After reading a couple of entries, I thought if this is what real writers have to be able to do, I don't have a prayer.

Joshilyn Jackson is cool and honest and funny. I'm earnest and a dork. The thing I've come to realize, however, is that there are lots of writers out there and just as many types of writers. Sure there are those who enjoy cool, honest, funny writing, but there might be a place for the earnest dorks of the world as well. And even if there isn't, it doesn't mean that I can't write or that I shouldn't write. (Yes, I'm trying to bolster myself up here.)

It's interesting, coming back to her blog now that she has two books out. (The second is called: Between, Georgia) She's developed quite a following. I think it's a good example of how a writer can use a blog help publicize herself. (Although, I doubt generating publicity was the reason she started blogging, or why she keeps at it.)

Obviously, I don't have a problem with writer's blogs anymore. In fact, I now follow several. (Note to self: Make a list of links!) I'm not sure my confidence level is quite high enough to regularly read Faster Than Kudzu, but I'm sure I'll be up to it eventually.

Two-thirds more

I've edited about a third of the notebook scrawl. My goal, if you remember, was to get it all revised by the end of the month. It might still be possible. The family and I just returned from Maui (sorry!) and I'd hoped to get a lot of work done during our trip, but surprise, surprise, I wasn't able to do as much as I'd hoped. Now that I'm home, I should be able to make better progress.

Speaking of progress, the kids are playing quietly, so I'd better take advantage and get back at it!

More soon...

done...sort of

I'm sort of done...but not really. I did finish the story, but now I have all these notebook pages of SFD (shitty first draft) to type into the computer and try to craft into something decent.

It's finally starting to dawn on me, though, that SFDs are okay, and so far I haven't had too much anxiety during the revision process. For example, check out this quote from a recent Laurie R. King blog entry:

...when a beginning writer looks at a book like THE ART OF DETECTION they often say, “I couldn’t write a book like that.” And I have to agree, I couldn’t either.

But I could rewrite a book like that.

Rewriting is where the serious work occurs. There's nothing wrong with rewriting--on the contrary, it's an essential part of the process. When this section of my book is finally complete, no one will know the sorry state it was in when it was first conceived. It's okay that it reads like crap right now. I can make it better. (I know I've said all this before, but I'm hoping this time my feeble brain will finally accept it as truth!)

In related news, I made the possible mistake of setting another goal. This time to get the polish/edit of my notebook scribblings finished by the end of July. I think it's possible, but lord knows I haven't always done the best job of estimating realistic time frames. I'll give it my best shot, though.

Oh and after over three years, I finally have a title for my novel. It's not set in stone, but for now it feels right.

I'm still inching along, but I'm getting there!

Antsy

I'm antsy and jittery and it's not from coffee.

My story is so close to being complete. I know I've said that before, but this time it's true, I swear! I'll should finish it today--maybe tomorrow at the latest. Yeah, yeah, yeah, then I have to go back and revise and polish--but still...it's exciting.

And I'm going to send out a short story I wrote two years ago. It's been rejected from three magazines so far and has been languishing for months in another journal's slush pile with no word as to its fate, so I think the time has come to dust it off and submit it somewhere else. I'm going over it again, and tweaking it slightly (just word changes here and there, no alterations to the story) and want to get it in the mail to another lit journal today or tomorrow. It'd be nice to have a publishing credit when I start sending out queries for my novel. (Well, a more relevant publishing credit than the parenting articles and a more recent credit than the story published in Jack and Jill magazine when I was 10.)

Did I mention my daughter's 7th birthday is tomorrow and I still need to finish shopping, clean the house, and decorate for her party?

No wonder I'm antsy!

Tri no more

I've fallen out of the blogging groove. There's lots I could say, but I'm not always in the mood to say it.

The good news is I haven't fallen out of the writing groove: I'm writing away as usual. Last week we went camping and I wrote every day in a notebook, sitting in a beach chair by the American River. Talk about a picturesque writing spot! The notebook writing was so enjoyable, I decided to keep it going, even though I'm now back in civilization. It's good right now, because the story is sweeping me along faster than that American River (which is both high and swift thanks to all of that late spring snow and rain) and I want to follow it to the end--which is coming, believe it or not, in the next couple of days. However, I could be setting myself up for weeks of hell as I revise and polish all of those pages of notebook scrawl and I'm sure I'll come to regret abandoning the scene by scene method I've used up until this point. Right now, however, it feels good to charge forward to the end.

On a not-completely-related note, I think I'm going to give up on a goal I set for myself at the beginning of the year. I'd planned to do a women's sprint triathlon in September, but now I'm thinking I just don't have the time if I'm ever going to get this novel finished. The thing is, I can do my Body for Life workouts while I'm taking care of the kids. (I'm an expert at gasping, "I can't talk right now Honey, but I'll tell you in a minute," when the kids ask me a question mid-weightlifting set, and slapping together peanut butter sandwiches during the one-minute breaks between sets), but in order to train for a triathlon, I'd need to utilize my babysitting network, and I want to reserve them for uninterrupted daylight writing sessions. I still want to do the triathlon, but I'm thinking next year makes more sense. I'm kind of bummed, since I was really looking forward to the challenge of swimming, biking, and running all in one race, but as much as I'd like to prepare for a triathlon while finishing a novel, it's not realistic to do both.

One time-consuming, selfish goal at a time!

Rest Time Writing Revisited

Did I mention it's summer vacation? No school...less me time. Actually, it's okay. I really love having the kids around and that our schedule is more relaxed. But I need to find some more time to write. So I think it's time to bring rest time out of retirement. The swimming bribe worked pretty well the other day, but it's unseasonably cool right now, so I can't use that strategy again until it warms up.

It's okay. I have lots of ideas! Today, we'll go rent Ice Age from the video store. They haven't seen it yet, and it should keep them reasonably occupied for 90 minutes or so. Then tomorrow we can go see Ice Age 2 at our local theater (it's part of their free summer movie series). And I'm going to be a big weirdo and bring my lap top to the theater and write during the movie.

That'll be a first--writing in a movie theater, that is. I'm often a big weirdo. (No surprise there!)

Jogging

Still jogging along, trying not to panic. A new scene I wasn't expecting cropped up yesterday. It's good for the story but it means I have more to do than I thought. As Stuart Smalley would say, "And that's...okay!" (Have I quoted Stuart, yet? I'll have to do a search of my past entries and see.)

I stumbled across a blog the other day belonging to an author I really enjoy, Laurie R. King. She recently did something exceptionally brave, in my opinion--she started a short story live on the web. It was an exercise to demonstrate the writing process and what a first draft tends to look like--even if it's the first draft written by an established, award winning author. She plans to post both the first draft and the final version of the story (when completed) on her web site.

Check it out: Writer's Improv

Better

Things went much better yesterday and again during my early morning writing session this morning. The words flowed for the first time in weeks. I finished one section and almost finished another. (Thanks, Mom, for watching the kids yesterday so I could write!)

The kids are going to let me write for an hour this afternoon and then we're going to go swim at our local pool. (As a parent, you sometimes have to resort to bribery!)

I'm feeling more optimistic about it all again. Yay!

Salieri

Ever seen the movie Amadeus? Remember the character Salieri--who wanted to compose music as beautiful as Mozart's, but didn't have the talent to make it happen? I often feel like Salieri--although not so jealous of someone else's talent that I'd resort to poisoning him or her. It's more that I see the type of writing I want to be able to do, but it's SO hard to get there. And I often don't.

I haven't blogged in almost a month for two reasons:

1. I haven't been making a lot of progress on my novel, and
2. I'm going through another low self-confidence, panicky, who-the-hell-am-I-to-think-I-can-do-this phase.

Do you think the two reasons are related?

Uh, yeah...me too.

I'm trying to write more. I'm trying to force myself to sit down at the computer and forge ahead, even though it is SO hard right now. The end is in site and a lot of baggage comes a long with getting near the end. I know I'll get past it. Heck, half of this blog documents the low phases I've worked past. But that doesn't make things any easier right now.

Warrior Girl wrote a great blog entry about why writing a novel is so difficult.

Writing Past the Demons

See? I'm not the only one!

May 9 has come and gone...

...and May 9 was when I hoped to have finished--six months from the day I started this blog. I didn't meet the goal I set back in November, but I have made a lot progress.

Since November 9 I have written 120 pages and come within a couple of scenes of finishing.

In the six months prior to November 9 do you know how many pages I wrote?

28

Now I write regularly, almost every day, which was something I was not doing last fall. I've also dealt with lots of fear and insecurity and pushed through those panicky feelings instead of giving up when things got hard. I realized I'm an artist and quite normal--well, as normal as an artist can be, anyway.

So maybe I didn't get exactly where I wanted to be right now. I'm not done. But I am very close and I have accomplished much more than I probably would have if I hadn't set the goal.

I feel pretty good about that!

Wow

Two scenes to go. Or maybe three. I can't believe how close I'm getting. Of course, at my speed, it could still be a month or so, but wow.

I'm almost done!

Omphaloskepsis

My headache is gone and I'm writing away. Life is busy as usual so I don't have much time to blog, but I had to share the newest addition to my word list...

omphaloskepsis

It means, "contemplation of one’s navel".

Perfect title for a blog entry, don't you think?

ugh...migraine

i'm knocked flat right now with a migraine

no fun

it's my first bad one since i started my current bfl challenge.

ugh!

i didn't wake up early this morning because i hoped extra sleep would help me shake it...

no such luck

today is a preschool day so maybe i'll do some writing then

or maybe i'll lie in the dark with an ice pack on my head and moan

sorry for the pity party

it just hurts

It's been a week since my last entry...

...and I want to do a new one, but I don't have much to say. Actually, that's not true, I have a lot to say, but I don't have the time to say it. I want to talk about "the process" of novel writing (and how there really isn't any one process, every writer does it differently) but today is going to be another busy day and there aren't enough spare minutes to do the topic justice.

I also had three great bits of story appear to me recently, which fit in perfectly with what's come before. It's so incredible when that happens. It really feels like these things "appear" out of the thin air and not like I have much to do with creating them. I'd love to write a blog entry about it all. But again, no time!

So we'll have to settle for another boring update on my progress.

My new mantra is "Trust Yourself". And I think it's helping me even out the ups and downs. I haven't had a panicky, paralyzed-with-fear writing session in a while. (Which probably means I'm due for one soon! ;o)

I still feel like I'm moving at slower than a snail's pace with all this, but even snails get somewhere eventually. I've finally accepted the fact that as much as I'd like to sprint to the finish line, I'm not a sprinting type when it comes to writing. So I'll continue to creep along.

Do you know that even this short, boring, uninformative entry has taken me over an hour to put together? Although to be fair to myself, I haven't exactly been uninterrupted--I've also refereed several squabbles, made breakfast, and participated in some extremely intense Easter candy negotiations. Now I'm going to attempt my lower body workout, do the dishes and the vacuuming, and then the kids and I are going to get ready for Scott's birthday. (Happy Birthday, Honey!)

No wonder I can't manage to get in more blog entries!

Weaving the Web

Every step of this novel-writing-process has had its own challenges--issues I never thought about before I tried doing it myself. Right now I'm tying together a lot of loose ends in my story. I know generally what's going to happen but there are still many little decisions that need to be made and I want to be sure it all hangs together in a logical way. It's time to write the big climactic scenes and not only do they need to be air-tight, but all the smaller threads need to connect believably. Motivations have to make sense. Whenever a character does something, especially something risky or unexpected, I need to make sure their motivation for acting that way is believable.

I've used the puzzle analogy before when talking about language and trying to find the right words, but the plot is also a puzzle whose pieces must fit together. And elements rely on each other. So by sending a character down a particular path, countless other parts of the story are affected. It's like a gigantic web--all interconnected.

Believe me, now that I'm writing a novel myself, I can see the temptation to wrap things up as quickly and easily as possible. Sometimes I want to have a character do something that will advance the plot to where I want and expect it to go, even if it doesn't gel perfectly with that character's personality. But I resist, because I know these people so well, it would bug me too much to force them to act a certain way--a way that's out of their character--simply for my convenience.

Clear as mud, eh? Sorry to be so cryptic. It's hard to explain what I mean without describing the story itself. And that's still top secret!

Renée

Renée: this is what my email program does with my name when I spell it with an accent. IRL, I always write my name with the accent on the second-to-last "e", but in cyberspace, I almost never do, because of the Renée issue.

Come to think of it, Renée, might make for an interesting pen name. Kind of like Prince, when he didn't want to be called Prince anymore and wanted to be referred to by that unpronouncable symbol. At least Renée is something people could say.... I'll have to think about it. ;o)

I'm still getting up early. Still writing. Still making progress. Still getting closer and closer to the end.

Still, still, still! It's not very interesting to read about all my stills, perhaps, but still is a good thing. Working on the novel is all very automatic now. It's just something I do. This blog has helped me so much in that regard.

I also just finished week five of my BFL challenge, which I find miraculous considering everything else that is going on.

And I'm also starting to think about what to write next.

Then there's all the wifely and motherly stuff I do.

Wow. When I stand back and look at it all like this, I realize I should be proud, but I'm not. Renée doesn't often give herself credit. Maybe it would be easier for Renée.

I'll put some more thought into the pen name idea.

Give life

Yesterday I gave blood. I've given blood regularly ever since Hurricane Katrina. It makes me feel good. Our dear friend Lauren who died in January, needed many transfusions throughout her fight with breast cancer. When you're close to someone who's seriously ill, or has been critically injured and needs transfusions, you realize just how important donor blood is. So, if you've ever thought about donating, call and make an appointment with your local blood bank. It's an easy way to make a big difference. Plus you get free snacks!

However, since it's important to get a little extra rest after you've donated, I slept in this morning and didn't write. Today's my day to work at Kyle's preschool, so I won't be able to write then either. But I will write during the kids' rest time this afternoon. Rest time writing isn't typically the most serene experience, but it's better than nothing!

Why can't it always be like this?

This morning, I simply wrote.

No agonizing, no fear, no doubts.

Why it went so well today, I have no idea. (Did you catch the Yoda-like sentence structure there? Kyle's still on his Star Wars kick!)

Up swings rock!

Not so terrible

This morning, for whatever reason, I had a good writing session. Not one of those glorious, exhilarating highs, but not one of those filled-with-fear, torture sessions either.

Maybe that means I'm on the verge of an up swing. Here's hoping!

New Title--Same Content

I changed the name of this blog. I really doubt I'll finish by May 9 (although I will finish soon), and so I didn't like seeing "6 Months to a Finished First Draft" staring at me every time I logged on here.

But the content of the blog hasn't changed one whit.

Down, down, down is where I am--again! It appears the closer I get to finishing, the bigger the struggle.

Phbtbtbt! (That's a rasberry and I'm blowing it at myself!)

Baskin-Robbins Blues

And now for something not related to mood swings or writing. Tragedy has struck! One of my favorite free day treats during my last year's Body for Life challenge was Baskin-Robbins Peanut Butter 'n Chocolate ice cream. For someone like me who looovvvesss chocolate and looovvvesss peanut butter it is beyond divine.

Well as I mentioned a while back, I'm doing another BFL challenge this year--trying to keep it low key so I don't lose the writing focus--but still exercising and eating clean 6 days a week and having one day where I can kick back and eat up. Today was that day and Kara and I headed for Baskin-Robbins to take advantage. And...they didn't have it! No chocolate/peanut butter. I was crushed! Why would they do away with the best flavor ever?!

I just checked out the Baskin-Robbins web site and it appears that Chocolate/PB is a "permanent flavor", so I haven't lost all hope. Maybe my particular BR was just out of it temporarily.

I hope! I hope!

Know of a good antonym for ataraxis?

Sadly, the peace from early last week is gone. I'm floundering again.

I realized something, however. It's not just writing-related insecurity that sends my spirits plummeting; it's also the story itself. Last week something appeared in the story that I hadn't anticipated. It's very powerful and adds a lot of richness and depth, but it's also disturbing. The day after I wrote about it was one of my lowest yet and I know I was reacting to this new element. Always good to know why I'm depressed, I guess, even if that knowledge doesn't seem to help me feel better.

I think all of my ups and downs are more dramatic right now because I'm getting so close to the end. I'm excited, I'm scared, I'm proud, I'm filled with doubt--basically, I'm just a big ball of emotion!

Pity those around me who get to experience my moods first-hand.

We miss you, ataraxis! Come back soon, okay?

Remember your reader

I'm still clipping right along with my novel. Thankfully, there's not much new to blog about it. I continue to be in an up phase--enjoying the process as well as that sense of peace I wrote about in my last two entries.

But I do have a writing-related thought to share.

One of the most important lessons I learned from Words Fail Me: What Everyone Who Writes Should Know about Writing is to always write with the reader in mind. You want to make it as easy as possible for the people reading your writing to understand your meaning. If your language is unclear or distracting, whether too flowery and jam-packed with impressive vocabulary words, or peppered with misspellings and bad grammar, your reader is going to focus too much on the words themselves and not the meaning behind them. My goal when I write is for the language to be invisible--for the readers to be so engrossed in the story, they don't pay any attention to how it's being told.

So even though I keep a list of new-to-me vocabulary words, I rarely use such imposing language in my writing. I also try very hard not to use words incorrectly. I want to make things as effortless as I can for the reader.

For example, take the word "anyways". It's an informal term, and some might argue, an incorrect version of "anyway". That doesn't mean, however, there aren't times where it might be perfectly appropriate. If you are writing a scene and one of the characters is a teenager, or someone without much education, the person might utter a phrase like, "What does it matter anyways?" In that case, the usage of informal, nonstandard english makes sense.

But when someone is trying to make a criticism, using an informal, arguably incorrect word like "anyways", is distracting. It makes the reader focus on the writer's weak language-skills, and ignore the substance of the writing.

Keep the reader in mind and use language that's understandable and appropriate. If you do, your readers are much more likely to give credence to what you're trying to say.

Ataraxis

I added a new word to my list: ataraxis. It means, "the absense of mental stress or anxiety".

Gotta love ataraxis!

The peace from yesterday is still with me. I know it won't last forever, but I'm sure enjoying it right now. The writing I did yesterday afternoon and this morning was both pleasurable and productive.

What a nice change after all those days of self-imposed stress!

Peace

I've been floundering around for the past couple of weeks. Feeling so much stress and pressure about finishing by May 9. Trying to find more and more time to write, as if that were the only answer. It's not.

Lately, every time I sit down and try to write, the pressure to go as fast as possible has paralyzed me, and prevented me from losing myself in the story. It's been frustrating and upsetting and not what I want writing to be. Lately I've felt I have to rush so I can finish by this arbitrary deadline I've imposed upon myself. Ironically, that desperation to go as fast as possible has frozen me and made my progress even slower than usual.

Yesterday, Scott took the kids out on errands for a couple of hours. It was my time to get a lot done, but I just couldn't find the words. I started and stopped and started and stopped and the longer I tried, the more panicky I felt. I knew I had to write as much as possible, but nothing I wrote sounded right and my fear and paralysis grew and grew.

But then I had one of those flashes of insight that seem to come out of the blue. I remembered I'm a slow writer. I can't force myself to go quickly. It comes as it comes and it can take a long time. It's nothing I can rush. This realization filled me with peace. I started the section again, and once more the story spoke to me and I knew which words to use. Strangely enough, once I allowed myself to take my time I was able to write more in one sitting than I have in weeks. And this morning the peace was still with me. I'm moving forward fluidly now and should finish the current scene tomorrow or the next day. It's all coming relatively easily again, because I'm not trying anymore. I'm letting it happen as it happens.

I know I will finish my novel--maybe by May 9, and maybe not, but I will finish.

I can't force it. I can't rush. I have to let it come as it comes.

And now for something completely different...

I had another discouraging morning. But I'm tired of blogging about my fear and self-confidence issues. So instead, here's a list of interesting words I've come across in the last year. Gotta love that Virtual Thesaurus!

Tramontane: on or coming from the other side of the mountains

Strident: harsh, loud, grating, or shrill

Umbrageous: providing shade and coolness; easily offended or likely to become irritated

Pulchritudinous: used of persons only—having great physical beauty

Crepitus: the grating sound heard when the broken ends of a bone rub together; a crackling sound heard in the chest of somebody who has a lung disease, for example, pneumonia.

Crepitate: to make a crackling or grating sound; to make the crackling or grating sound of crepitus.

Crepitation: the sharp sound of snapping noises

Cresylic: relating to or containing creosol or creosote

Vituperation: an outburst of violently abusive or harshly critical language; the use of violent abuse or extremely harsh criticism.

Vituperative: marked by harshly abusive criticism.

Stertorous: of breathing, having a heavy snoring sound. Full of or characterized by loud and nonmusical sounds.

Stertor: noisy or laborious snoring, heard when somebody is deeply unconscious or when there are obstructed air passages.

Limen: the smallest detectable sensation

Obstreperous: noisily and aggressively boisterous; strongly objecting to something or noisily refusing to be controlled

Iridesce: be iridescent

Etiolate: (adj.) weak in color, developed without chlorophyll by being deprived of light; (v.) make weak by stunting the growth or development of, bleach and alter the natural development of a green plant by excluding sunlight, make pale or sickly

Rodomontade: vain and empty boasting

Oscitant: showing boredom or lack of attention

Rive: to tear something apart. To split or become split.

Novercal: relating to or said to be typical of a stepmother

Zaftig: with a full-figured body

Embonpoint: a body weight that is above average and causes an impression of roundness

Attrited: worn by rubbing or friction

So don't resort to vituperation if someone calls you pulchritudinous! Now you know...a simple "Thank you" is much more appropriate! ;o)

Finally!

I finally finished the section I've been working on forever. It ended up being 16 pages! But, yay! It's done at last.

Less than 2 months to my May 9 deadline. I'm starting to feel pessimistic about finishing by then. I'm still going to try, but there's quite a bit more to do.

As Dory would say, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming..." (If you haven't seen Finding Nemo this won't make a lot of sense.)

All I can do is continue pushing forward. I'll finish eventually, no matter what!

Ack!

I haven't had any daylight, non-rest time, writing time in over two weeks. Today I actually have several hours kid-free and I'm freaking out. This morning I tried to write and it went horribly.

Ack!

I could potentially get a lot done today, but not if I'm in one of those phases where it's all a big struggle.

*deep breath*

Please let me bust out of this funk, so I can make some good progress today. Please!

Rest time writing

Rest time writing yesterday went surprisingly well. In fact, I realized why part of the scene I'm currently working on wasn't working and made a change that reads much better. Often I feel like I can't concentrate fully during rest time since part of my brain is listening for the kids, but yesterday that didn't seem to matter as much.

I'm frustrated though, because I've been tinkering with this current scene for what feels like forever. One of the reasons I've had a hard time with it, is because of that part that wasn't working, but the main reason is the darn thing is 13 pages long!

Remember my intention to keep the scenes shorter so I wouldn't have to spend days on each rewrite/polish? Didn't happen with this one. I guess that's okay. I want to do the scenes well, and some of them are going to end up longer than others.

I'm going to write again at rest time today!

Final Stretch

There is only a little over two months until my May 9 deadline. I need to write more if I'm going to make it. I've said this before, but I'm going to follow-through this time. We will do rest time every day this week. It will give me an extra 7 hours of writing time!

I'm in the final stretch. I've got to do all I can to get to the finish line.

Argh!

I slept through my alarm this morning!

That's a first.

Oh well, I guess there are worse things in the world than getting over nine hours of sleep in a night. (Can't remember the last time I slept that long.)

So I don't know that I'll get any writing in today. Bummer!

Masochistic Tendencies

Kyle was pretty sick last week, so I couldn't write as much as I would have liked; it's hard to get up early when you've already been up multiple times in the night with a sick child. Fortunately (for both of us!) he's better now, so this morning I dragged myself out of bed at 4:30 to get back to it and had one of those painful, crappy, discouraging writing sessions that makes me question the wisdom of attempting something so difficult and beyond me.

Predictably I'm now wallowing in yet another gigantic, self-indulgent, muddy funk. Charming.

Logically I know one of the reasons I had trouble today was because I haven't written much this past week and have gotten out of the habit. And I also know that soon (maybe even next time) I'll have another one of those exhilarating creative experiences, where I'm so jazzed about how it's all going. But logical, rational thought doesn't drive away my current feeling, which is that I am ridiculous for spending so much time and energy and hope on something that's never going to be as good as I want it to be.

Still, the masochist in me is eager to sit down and work on it again. Even if the process is painful and discouraging sometimes, I can't wait to get back to the story. (If for no other reason than the hope that a more positive, productive session will obliterate this nasty funk.)

Up and down up and down on and on and on.

Here's hoping that the next up lasts a good, long while!

I need to do both

I haven’t written an entry in awhile, but I’m going to try to start blogging more often. It really helps me stay in the writing mindset, and I need to do all I can to stay focused on writing because I’ve taken something on that could easily get me off track.

Last week I decided to do another Body for Life challenge. Just about a year ago I began my first BFL challenge. It was a great thing for me to do in so many ways. After 12-weeks I ended up really fit and strong, and felt much less stressed in general. For the past year I’ve been exercising regularly and eating much healthier food, and I never would have made all those good changes if I hadn’t started BFL.

There was a big downside to doing that first challenge, however. When I was in challenge mode I spent so much time thinking about nutrition and fitness, I stopped focusing on writing and I didn’t make any progress on my novel.

I think in a lot of ways it was good for me to have another goal to strive towards—something that was more concrete. If you eat right and exercise, you get in much better shape. That’s the bottom line. Novel writing, though, isn’t nearly as cut and dry. A lot of times you feel like you are spinning your wheels and it’s hard to feel a sense of accomplishment when the process takes such a long time. It was refreshing to have a goal like a BFL challenge that I could achieve in just 12 weeks. So I understand why my thoughts and actions drifted away from writing, I just don’t want it to happen again.

Now I need to focus on writing. I can’t get obsessed with food and exercise and seeing my abs, or I’ll lose my drive to finish the novel. Consequently, after our trip to Mexico in November I eased up on nutrition and exercise, because I didn’t want to get off track again with writing. I didn’t stop exercising completely, and I still ate relatively healthy most of the time, but I wasn’t nearly as “clean” as I’d been when in the midst of a BFL challenge. However, one huge benefit I’ve gotten from BFL nutrition and exercise is that it really helps minimize my migraines. And with easing up on the exercise and nutrition, the headaches were returning. When I have a bad migraine it’s hard just to get through the day taking care of the kids—getting up early to write and staring at a computer screen is out of the question.

What I want to be able to do is strike a balance. I want to be a really healthy and fit writer. I want to do both. I hate how awful I feel physically and emotionally when I’m not in challenge mode—and minimizing the headaches makes it all so worth it, not to mention all the other health benefits. So I’ve decided to do a challenge, but I’m going to do my darndest not to obsess about it.

Whenever my thoughts stray to:
• exercise
• food
• wondering how much fitter I’ll be by the end of the challenge
• hoping my shoulders and biceps will continue to look more developed, etc.

I’ll try to nudge them back to writing-related thoughts like:
• my characters and the story
• plans for my next writing session
• visualizations of how incredible it’s going to feel to type “The End”
• hopes that I can get my manuscript in good enough shape to pitch it at a writing conference in the fall.

Today while I was doing interval training on the treadmill I kept repeating to myself: “I’m strong. I write. I’m fit. I write.” I can’t forget that I’m a writer. Even when I’m exercising, I want to be thinking about writing. I won’t finish this novel if I don’t push myself. There are too many excuses and reasons to slack off.

After one week, I think it’s going pretty well. My energy level is right back up again, and I haven’t had a headache in five days. When I get extra hungry, it’s hard not to think about my next meal, but I try not to focus on it. And I think continuing to blog about writing and the final stages of this first draft will help keep my mind back on writing—which is where I want it to be right now.